THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"My Grandad had a gift; He foresaw the sinking of the Titanic. He told everyone before it sailed that it would sink. No one would listen to him, even though he was shouting it from the rooftops! It got so bad, in the end they had to throw him out of the cinema."

[Sir Alf]

"This is def worth 60 sec read... A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want. No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf. Now fuck off! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy! The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Derek Acorah's family are giving all of his clothes away if anyone wants them. He was a medium

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate just asked me ""If you were stuck on a desert island and you could have three records,what would they be??""ù I said ""The long distance swimming one would be handy""ù"

[eswing hammer]

"Just came back from a golf trip to Spain,all this bollocks about Gareth Bale not speaking Spanish, well l saw him coming off the 18th green at Villamora and he said he had a ""òpoor par four ""ò ."

[Helmut Shown]

"At a medical conference an anatomy professor overheard a conversation between three African delegates. The first one said ""I am sure it is spelled ""Woom""ù""ù The second one says ""I believe you are wrong it is spelled ""Whoom""ù""ù The third one says ""I can say categorically it is spelled ""Whombe""ù The professor says ""excuse my interruption I think you are all wrong it is spelled womb. He walks away and one of the Africans says to the other two ""Stupid cսnt, I bet he's never heard an elephant fart in his life""ù"

[Queens Fish Bar]

Iron Man is Fe Male

[Dan M]

From next year advent calendars are being phased out. Apparently their days are numbered.

[arsene york-hunt]

"There was a wishing well and a tiny, little man was sitting on the wall of the well playing a miniature piano. A bloke was leaning over the well shouting ""I SAID 10"" PENIS, YOU cսnt!!!!!!!!"""

[Helmut Shown]

"My son Mark was walking along a road the other day when he heard someone call ""Mark! Mark! He looked around and there was nobody there. He walked a little bit further and heard Mark Mark! Again nobody there. He walked on and he heard Mark Mark! So he looked over the fence and saw a dog with a hare lip."

[Mad Dog]

"Why does santa say ""ho, ho, ho""? So he can disrespect 3 butchers at once"

[Briano]

Our pet dog is called Minton He's got a terrible habit of chewing my shuttlecocks Bad Minton

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The Police came round my house last night and showed me a picture. ""ùis this your wife?""ù They asked. ""ùyes it is""ù I answered the officer then said ""I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus""ù I replied ""I know, but she's good with the kids""ù"

[arsene york-hunt]

What do you call an Ursus Maritimus with violent mood swings? A Bi-polar Bear

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Good deed done yesterday. At the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to ÔøΩ56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under ÔøΩ10. I thought she was probably someoneÔøΩs Nan and IÔøΩd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive just before Christmas. She didnÔøΩt want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves."

[Willtell]

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started."

[The Stoat]

"On her recent tour of Ireland, Diane Abbot was asked if she liked County Down to which she replied I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it"

[joyo]

"In the same hospital there was another fella who slept under his bed every night.. I asked ""why?"" He said ""because I'm a little potty"""

[claret on my shirt]

"I walked into a mental hospital earlier, one of the residents had his cock between two biscuits. I said, ""What are you doing?"" he said, ""I'm fucking crackers""..."

[Ridikzappa]

Remember Christmas decorations are like Jeffrey Epstein. They aren't going to hang themselves..

[eswing hammer]

"Lone Lady golfer catches up a three ball, Englishman, lrishman and a Scotsman ,on the last hole ,a par 3 they all hit the green and the lady is about 15 feet from the hole and says ""l need this putt for my best ever round ,if anyone can give me the correct line l promise l will give them the best ever blow job "" Englishman says ""it's about two inches left to right "", Scotsman says "" no it's firm ,dead straight , what do you think paddy? "" lrishmans dick is already sticking out of his pants and says "" i'll Give you that putt lady""ù."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A cannibal came back from holiday with only one arm. His mate said ""What happened to you?""ù The cannibal said ""I went self-catering""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A German dwarf jumped in the river to rescue my dog yesterday. Thankfully he managed to get it back on the bank and said you vill need to wrap him up vorm, give him plenty of vitamin c and keep a close eye on him for hypothermia. I said I cannot thank you enough, are you a little vet? A little vet he replied, I am fucking soaking"

[lab]

Cheers Joyo