THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Queens Fish Bar]

Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. ""You wanna wank?"" she asked. ""You bet"" came the excited reply. ""Okay"" she said ""I come back in ten minutes""."

[arsene york-hunt]

What's the difference between a cowboy and a cow girl One has a prairie hat The other has a...............

[Son of Sam]

"If you were 4 years old when ""Red Red Wine "" was released UB40 now"

[Coffee]

"Two blood cells fell in love, but alas it was all in vein."

[Darlo Debs]

I.like the Anti-Anti-depressants one and the Thesaurus one.

[joyo]

Fucking snowflakes crying about the shit joke as well.... Tourettes charity offended... Couldn't make it up!

[boleyn8420]

"Fuck me if that's the funniest I wont ever bother going, I preferred Elvis mouse joke"

[WSM Hammer]

boleyn8420 11:54 Mon Aug 19 That has just been voted funniest joke of this years Edinburgh festival - somehow

[Manip]

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap. swt

[Manip]

"""Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"" - Richard Stott ""What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh"" - Milton Jones ""A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"" - Jake Lambert ""A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"" - Ross Smith ""Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning"" - Ross Smith ""I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"" - Adele Cliff ""After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford ""To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian"" - Mark Simmons ""I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"" - Ivo Graham"

[boleyn8420]

Heard about the man who kept shouting 'brocolli' and cauliflower' Thought he had florets

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella comes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play a sex game. ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do??"" ""I've got flavoured condoms and you have to guess what flavour they are"" She goes down on him and says ""Cheese and onion?"" ""Wait a minute ,I haven't put one on yet"""

[Helmut Shown]

"On the recommendation of a friend, a bloke decides to try a new brothel in town. He goes into reception and is greeted by a young lady who passes him a card. He says: ""What's this then?"" ""It's the menu "" she replies He looks at the card and reads Hand job £10 Blow job £30 Full sex £50 Anal £70 Sundries Coffee £2 Tea £1.50 Cheese sandwich £3 Ham sandwich £3.50 ""Wow"" he exclaims ""Are you the girl that does the hand jobs"" ""Yes"" she replies He looks at the menu and says ""Wash your hands I'll have a cheese sandwich!"""

[lab]

"The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive."

[Willtell]

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping . . . . But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home

[Willtell]

"One of my mates reckons the temperature of his testicles is 27 degrees celsius""¶ Absolute bollocks!"

[The_Phantom]

"Aalborg Hammer Your ""òjoke' of 9:03 Fri Aug 9 almost sounds like one you just made up, ""¶but this one - 5:45 Tue Aug 13 is superb"

[Son of Sam]

"A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now. He has lots of back issues,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

My grandparents real names were Nanny Pearl and Grandpa Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapapa

[lab]

"Husband and wife sit down to dinner in a restaurant . Food arrives. Husband: the food here looks great ,let's eat. Wife: you usually pray before you eat luv . Husband: that's at home luv, the chef here knows how to cook."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Don't think he actually said that, chim..."

[chim chim cha boo]

Jesus. Some of you cunts need to get out more

[Willtell]

Hmmm! Perhaps you needed to be there when he said it....