West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?

Pete Doherty recently tried to connect with a younger audience by rebranding himself P-Doh with limited success.

"A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?? The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone. Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query,the daughter again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: What the fuck are you doing? The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law."

"The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it. ""Steady love"", i said, ""you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road""."

Ag

Just seen it's John McCririck's funeral this Friday at 5/2

"Irish fella walking around Southampton Docks and he sees a Rolls Royce parked A bloke in a suit with a bowler hat walks up . ""Is dis your car,mister??"" ""Yes"" says the suit... ""How can you afford a car like that??"" ""I work for Cunard"" ""I worked Fuckin' hard ,but I can't afford a car like that"""

"I just heard that Shanghai were insisting on 25 million for Arnie, whilst West Ham were trying to hold out for 20 million for Arnie + Hugill"

To the person who stole my glasses..... I will find you - I have contacts

"Janet Street-Porter goes into a cocktail bar and says to the barman ""Can I get a large aperitif?"" The barman says ""No,I don't think you can, love"""

Ag

"A man rings 999 in a panic. ""My wife is 9 months pregnant and has just started screaming!"" ""What is she saying?"" ""She is ranting about Jews!"" ""Don't worry, it only means she's gone into Labour..."""

"I picked a lettuce from the garden for lunch today. Made the salad, plonked it on the table and the kids asked, ""What's that, dad?"" ""That's a Russian Roulette Salad,"" I replied. ""Russian Roulette salad?"" they chorused in unison. ""Yeah - there's one slug in it. Good luck."""

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

"HATTIE JAQUES: ""Doctor, please, I want to be wooed."" KENNETH: ""You can be as wude as you like matron."""

"My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 cigs back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him He said, ""£385."" ""Fuck me! Where you been?"" I asked. ""Great Yarmouth,"" he replied."

"Why are Catholic priests called father? Because ""daddy"" would be too suspicious!"