THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. Why didn't Barbie ever get pregnant? A. 'Cos Ken always came in a different box

[Son of Sam]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 proper jokes

[The Stoat]

yogib 7:37 Fri Oct 26 Firstly: Whoops never read it Secondly: Up Yours !!

[yogib]

Joe royal posted that yesterday - 0/10 for effort stoaty

[The Stoat]

"A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends 15k and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ÔøΩI hope you donÔøΩt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?ÔøΩ. ÔøΩAbout 32,ÔøΩ is the reply.ÔøΩ ÔøΩNope! IÔøΩm exactly 50,ÔøΩ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldÔøΩs and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ÔøΩIÔøΩd guess about 29.ÔøΩ The woman replies with a big smile, ÔøΩNope, IÔøΩm 50.ÔøΩ Now sheÔøΩs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ÔøΩOh, IÔøΩd say 30.ÔøΩ Again she proudly responds, ÔøΩIÔøΩm 50, but thank you!ÔøΩ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ÔøΩLady, IÔøΩm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.ÔøΩ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ÔøΩWhat the hell, go ahead.ÔøΩ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ÔøΩOkay, okay.....How old am I?ÔøΩ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ÔøΩMadam, you are 50.ÔøΩ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ÔøΩThat was incredible, how could you tell?ÔøΩ ÔøΩI was behind you at McDonaldsÔøΩ."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctors as he's feeling a bit under the weather. The doctor asks him to get undressed. He takes his coat off and his shirt and trousers are filthy. The doctor says: ""Do you expect me to examine you while you are in such a disgusting state?"" The man replies: ""Sorry Doc but we've been very busy at home"" . The doctor acquiesces and says ""OK get undressed"". He comes from behind the screen and the doctor sees shit all over his bollocks and says ""Get out of here and only come back when you have washed yourself and your clothing"". He goes home and his wife asks he got on. He says : ""Do you wash my clothes dear?"" She replies "" I've had four babies in the past three years I haven't even had time to wipe my arse! "" He says: ""Yes, thats another thing I need to speak to you about"""

[Swiss.]

Quite funny Joe but still a bit racist.

[joe royal]

"Joke for the day üòÇüòÇ A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends ¬£15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ""òI hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?""ù. ""òAbout 32,' is the reply.' ""òNope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ""òI'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, ""òNope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ""òOh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, ""òI'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ""òLady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ""òWhat the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ""òOkay, okay.....How old am I?' He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ""òMadam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ""òThat was incredible, how could you tell?' ""òI was behind you in the queue at McDonalds'."

[Aalborg Hammer]

They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic but so far I've made three jugs and a vase

[BRANDED]

Important message for dyslexics dont forget this weekend your cocks go black.

[Mike Oxsaw]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 Good man joe - SUM of us understand...

[Swiss.]

I agree keep the racist jokes coming. come on !!!

[The Libertine]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 BEST LAUGH FOR A LONG TIME! I absolutely love this. Keep them coming and fuck the political correctness. Censorship belongs to racist countries like Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern countries

[Swiss.]

"Willtell Got stiffed..lol. Good riddance to the cսnt. Absolute racist, senile bigot."

[Swiss.]

Joe Oh dear big big meltdown. You really area sick cսnt who should be banned. Mods being big pussies as usual will do nothing. Site's coming to a close.

[joe royal]

"*FUCK IT, LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!!!* I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said ""I've not eaten for two days.""ù I told him, ""I wish I had your will power! * I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently ""poles and ""Romanian gypsies"" were not the correct answers. * A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, ""Sorry about the wait.""ù I said, ""Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."" * I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, ""Any change?""ù I said ""No, you're still black""ù. * Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ""Fat chance with a face like that!"" * An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,""What's wrong?""ù The boy says,""Me ma is dead""ù. ""Oh bejaysus,""the man says. ""Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?""ù The boy replies,""No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.""ù * Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better ! * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. * I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, ""I'm gonna take that!"" * Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him ""Where am I ?""ù The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, ""You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."" * I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, ""Where do women have the curliest hair?"" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji. * A woman has a medical at the doctors. ""You are grossly overweight,""ù he says. ""I want a 2nd opinion,""ù she exclaims. ""OK. You're bloody ugly as well.""ù That should more or less cover everyone !! ü§£üòÇü§£üòÇ"

[joyo]

What's the difference between Swiss and Female Genital Mutation? Swiss is a total cսnt!

[joe royal]

"Swiss , this is a racist joke. Stevie , what's it like being blind? Could be worse , I could be black. Suggests a black man is lower than a blind man. What says now you see me now you don't? A white man on a zebra crossing ."

[,]

Is Willgrope's exile imposed or by choice

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Since WillTell got stiffed, swiss has been flapping around looking for someone to give him a bit of attention, or even a bandwagon to jump on. Help him out, somebody."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I had a sage and onion enema at the weekend...it really knocked the stuffing out of me

[Swiss.]

AKA Ernie Lol..geat joke.

[AKA ERNIE]

Swiss looks like you're being homophobic

[Swiss.]

Kearly go fuck yourself. I was asked to respond to my post and I did.

[Kearley]

Bore off Swiss. This is the joke thread.