THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada . Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and the USA ; ruled by a pair of nuts."

[joyo]

That's a cracker coffee

[Coffee]

Someone's having a late Christmas lunch.

[The Libertine]

Q# What did the idiot call his Zebra? A# Spot

[arsene york-hunt]

"Undertaker says to widow: ""He died with a hard on and we can't get the lid on the coffin. Widow says: Cut it off and shove it up his arse."" Undertaker carries out her instruction and the body lies there with a pained expression on his face. Widow leans over him and says: ""Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"""

[ted fenton]

"Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: ""You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: ""Then you used to kiss me... Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: ""Then you used to bite my Neck..."" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. ""Where are you going?"" Barb asked.. ""To get my teeth!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Bloody Amazon I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

[Coffee]

Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8 Brilliant!

[Hermit Road]

It was so cold today I saw a socialist with his hands in his own pockets.

[claret on my shirt]

Mad Dog 10:48 Mon Jan 8 my son sent it to me after seeing on FB

[Mad Dog]

"Even if it's stolen off of the tv show ""how I met your mother"""

[Willtell]

Excellent find claret...

[claret on my shirt]

The Universal Hot vs Crazy Matrix - a Man's Guide to Women https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRD3z9WaLRg

[ted fenton]

"A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of £10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place....it was assumed that Guido would never hear anything and would therefore never have to testify in Court). When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing £10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where my money is!"" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, �Where's the money ? Guido signs back, ""I don't know what you are talking about."" The lawyer tells the Godfather, ""He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, ""Ask him again or I'll kill him!"" The lawyer signs to Guido, ""He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."" Guido trembles and signs back, ""OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house, 23448 Valley Road. But he's away on vacation currently."" The Godfather asks the lawyer, ""What did he say?"" After a brief pause, the lawyer replies, ""He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat fuck"""

[Pee Wee]

"What's the difference between Judo and Karate? One's a martial art, the other is used in bagels"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-a-lot

[Pee Wee]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face

[brabrook]

"Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. ""Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" he replied gruffly. ""Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. ""Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply ""ì ""I outlived the bastards."""

[lab]

Luckily anyone who had to leave a dog in the car at this car park blaze were asked to park on the top floor where the fire didn't reach. Mind you if they were beagles I imagine they're use to smoke inhalation.

[ted fenton]

I wonder how many calls 'We buy any car dot com' have had from the Liverpool area today...

[The Stoat]

"CAN ADMIN OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON HERE PLEASE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON."

[joyo]

That London zoo fire is an insurance job........simples

[ozeki]

Late Christmas Deal Bargain. 50% off Meerkat Steaks at London Zoo

[Willtell]

Reply ray winstone 6:38 Thu Dec 21 Unusual for you to admit to being a wanker mate...