West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.

"A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, ""Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?""ù The father, surprised, answers, ""Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.""ù ""Onions?""ù the son asks. ""Yes. You see them and they make you cry.""ù This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, ""Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?""ù The mother smiles and says, ""Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree.""ù ""A Christmas tree?""ù the daughter asks. ""Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.""ù"

"These jokes certainly get around the world... BubblesCyprus 10:40 Thu Dec 8 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven....."

"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."" God asks Obama first: ""What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen"". God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies,  ""I believe you're in my seat."""

It's Burns night. That must be awkward in a certain unit of the hospital...

"A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."

"At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.' After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'"

"Bloke wakes up in hospital after a car crash, doctor says 'good news is your gonna make a full recovery, bad news is your knob got sliced off, a police car ran over it so we can't re attach it. The bloke it distraught, doctor then says ' not to worry though, you've got 9 grand on the insurance and with the pioneering surgery we can rebuild it, the cost is 1000 pounds an inch so you have decide if you want a modest 5 incher or go for the full monty. Bloke rings his wife, doctor comes back and says 'well, what's the verdict' 'Granite worktops'"

Question. My oldest child (8 now) was having a bath with me when he was a baby and tried to stick his finger up my arse. Do I wait 10years until he's got a bit of money in his pocket and sue him for 'historical sexual abuse' or wait a bit longer?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAp8pBIVn3o

Stoat - im sure that's in part 1

Payet

:-(

"I went down the pub last night and noticed three pieces of meat stuck on the ceiling. I said to the landlord ""What's all that about then?"". He said ""If you can jump high enough to touch one of them you can drink all night for free. If you take the challenge and don't manage to touch any of the meat you have to buy everyone who's in the bar at the moment a pint. Wanna try it?"" I thought about it but replied ""Nah... the steaks are too high..."""

"A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game using flavoured condoms.""You have to guess what the flavour is"" She says ""OK - Cheese and onion!!"" ""Wait a minute!!""he says ""I haven't put one on yet !!"""

I don't find anything wrong with people being obsessed with Michael Jackson. Everyone in the Middle East worships a dead pedophile as well.

Excellent Dave! Ag ag ag ag

"A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away. Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note: not too romantic and not too personal. Accordingly, off he went with his sister to Harrods, where they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined, quality leather gloves. While she was there, his sister bought a pair of knickers for herself. They took advantage of the free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, with the result that the sister got the gloves - and Edward, unknowingly, ended up with the knickers. Good old Edward sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter: Dearest Mary, I chose these because I've noticed that you don't wear any when we go out together. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she prefers shorter ones, which are easier to remove. They are a very delicate shade, but the shop assistant showed me the pair she'd been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I got her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean - in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they'll be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year! I do hope you'll wear them for me on our next date. All my love Edward P.S. Mum tells me that the latest fashion is to wear them folded down, with a little bit of fur showing."

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, ""I had sex with my teacher."" She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, ""I had sex with my teacher."" The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, ""No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."""

do you understand the basic ideas/premise behind telling jokes Willtell?

"Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, ""òMy name is John and I am an alcoholic'?"

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today. Duvet Know it's Christmas?

Made me laugh that George Michael joke...lol

"A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. ""I have an interesting case here,""ù he says. ""A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.""ù ""Is he dead?""ù asks the sergeant. ""I don't think so"" replies the officer. ""Have you arrested her?""ù asks the sergeant. ""No, not yet."" replies the officer. ""Why not for Christ's sake? asks the sergeant. Because her floor's still wet.""ù"