THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

Emails true meanings - I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again. No worries. = You really messed up this time. Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

[Sniper]

"Willtell 12:20 Wed Dec 28 My mate used to work as airport security and something like that actually happened when he was working with some security lifer who was all jovial all the time. Family came through and one of the children was really scared, so they asked this guy who was doing the scanning if he could speak to the kid. So he said 'I hear you're a little nervous' and the boy said 'yes, I've never flown before'. 'Don't worry, neither has the pilot' said the security guard... The parents lodged a formal complaint against him and he got a disciplinary for it. That's probably the biggest joke!"

[Eddie B]

"I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank alot and his wife said ""if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you"". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend ""If I go home like this my wife will leave me"". His friend said ""I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill."". He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says ""No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill"". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said ""Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?"", he said ""Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants""."

[Westside]

"and the ""Why did Andrew Ridgely have a chocolate stain on his arse?"" Because George Micheel had a Careless Wispa"

[Willtell]

"Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too..."

[Willtell]

"Dentist: ""This will hurt a little.""ù Patient: ""OK.""ù Dentist: ""I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Shame George has gone...killed the old joke stone dead Q .What's the similarity between George Michael and wellington boots? A. They both get pulled off in bogs....

[ted fenton]

"HEART WARMING STORY Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, ""You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"" One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham . Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Donald Trump"

[Helmut Shown]

What did Alan Rickman get for Christmas? George Michael

[Willtell]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

[Willtell]

"I was in a restaurant and I realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. As I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod..."

[Mirkwood]

Its to soon for a lorry joke right?

[JAC]

When I lived in Singapore in 2002 there was a coffee shop on Bukit Timan called HE-BREWS/SHE-BREWS

[Mad Dog]

Christmas is a lot like sex these days. The build up is great but as soon as it comes I regret spending all that money.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's opened some shops in Israel...the dairy shop is Cheeses of Nazareth ,the ice cream shop is Walls of Jericho and the Mother care shop is Judas's Carry cots"

[The Joker]

"If online bullying has taught us anything, it's that fat kids would rather hang themselves than lose some weight."

[Enoch Nutter]

"I just told that one to my wigan born collegue and she replied ""did you really meet someone from Wigan last night?"""

[boleyn8420]

I met a transvestite from Manchester last night. She had a Wigan address

[JonWHUFC]

It's always Jolly Holidays with Merry (said in best cockney accent ala Dick Van Dyke)

[icwhs]

Merry Holidays ? Its Merry Christmas you twat

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"A Burger van on the A12 just outside Romford has won the title of the best mobile catering establishment in the UK. The food is so good, it has just been awarded two Michelin tyres."

[riosleftsock]

"Bob Monkhouse told one of my favourite ever jokes ""When I was younger, I told people that I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed at me. ""Well, they're not laughing now"" I think Farage was inspired by it."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Aalborg Hammer 6:27 Tue Dec 20 That genuinely did make me LOL. There's childish humour and adults pretending to make childish jokes. That was childish humour. Something Bob Monkhouse could have delivered with consummate ease. Thank You. Merry Holidays.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do you call a camel with Four humps?"" A Saudi Quattro"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game called ""Wheelbarrow"" She says ""OK, What have I got to do?"" He says ""Take all your clothes off and lie on the floor,face down...I'll then to pick your legs up and put them under my arms and off we go"" ""Alright"" she says ""But don't go past my Mums' house"""