West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"At a funeral a man asks the vicar for the wifi code, the vicar replies 'please have some respect for your late mother', the man says 'is that all lower case'?"

It took me a moment Bob...

Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or is it just mine?

"Well Xmas dinner won't be the same after brexit , no Brussels."

The missus and I are trying for a baby. The mother-in-law has offered to help out. But only until I get hard.

Q .What's the difference between bogies and Brussels sprouts? A.You'll never get your kids to eat Brussels sprouts

"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.""ù God asks Obama first: ""What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen"". God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies, ""I believe you're in my seat."""

Any way I get confirmation that my order has been cancelled last week and give 3-5 days for the refund. and then get an email saying my items are ready for collection and are now in my possession. And you thought only at West Ham. Continued from the Inverness Caledonian below

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

I order an Inverness Caley football strip for my son from jdsport. The top was last seasons with subway written accross the front and a bargain at ÔøΩ10. I have it delivered to their store as its the last one in stock for safe transit and they lose it. That s a joke

"Sargent takes over a wave of new army recruits.he has them gathered in a hall and shouts if you're gonna succeed you're gonna need commitment.with that he walks over to a door opens it , behind it is an alligator, Sargent whips his cock out and sticks it in the beasts mouth, after fifteen seconds or so he pokes the animal in the eyes , it stands back looking very angry. Sargent returns to his men, ""right which one of you is gonna show me that same commitment?"" after a long pause one lad steps forward ,"" I will sarge, but promise not to poke me in the eyes."""

Why do Essex girls only get half hour for lunch ? So you don't have to re train them.

:-)

"Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane?"

Awkward Commercial https://www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=x_0ZV7r1CMjCaK2kkuAH&gws_rd=cr#q=most+awkward+commercial+ever

"So this guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend outside his house with her bags packed. he asks ""what are you doing?"" she says "" i heard some things about you today, and i'm leaving"". ""well, what did you hear"" he asks. she says, ""I heard you were a pedophile"". he rubs his chin, looking at her and says ""pedophile, that's an awful big word for a ten year old""."

penners28 9:55 Fri Nov 18 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I think this is the only joke on here I have laughed at... I lol'd out loud

I thought schott's made recorders :-)

"3 mice at a bar drinking schotts discussing how hard they are . The first mouse says he is able to hold a mousetrap open whilst scoffing the cheese bait , he downs a schott. The second explains his place is laden with rodent bait but he grinds it and snorts it like cocaine,he downs 2 schotts , the third mouse downs 3 schotts and starts to leave the bar, one of the others asks where he is going. "" I'm bored with this idle conversation , I'm off to fuck next doors cat"""

"1st Bloke: ""I call my wife Mona Lisa"" 2nd Bloke: ""Does she look like an art masterpiece."" 1st Bloke: ""No 'cos she's always moaning."""

"A woman goes to the vets with her dog which has an ear infection. The vet tells her that it's due to ingrowing hairs in his ears and an ordinary hair remover from the chemist will do the trick. She goes to the chemist and asks for an unscented hair removing cream ""Is it for your legs?"" asks the chemist ""No"" she says ""Is it for your arms?"" ""No"" she says ""What's it for then?"" ""It's for my Schnauzer"" ""OK but don't ride your bike for a week"""

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath - I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

True story Ted or is that meant to be for the joke thread?

Our window cleaner told me he'd been with every woman down our street except one. When I told the missus she reckoned it must be the snooty cow at number 27?