THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

News just in that Sterling has taken a nose dive this morning I guess he might be out of the Iceland game then

[10thofMay]

"Jewish Pickle Factory Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, ""I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"" Yossel replied, ""I think she got fired, too."""

[Blossom]

"Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, ""I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."" The officer asked, ""Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"" Ron replied, ""That would be my wife."""

[Blossom]

"A Scotsman walks into a pub, usually of course, there's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Welshman with him but they're all in France for the Euros....."

[Mirkwood]

Funny that...lol

[Mad Dog]

If woy hodgeson keeps picking all these sp*rs players might make the final..... .... and still come 3rd

[ray winstone]

"The Polish fans are now on the rampage in Nice. Following the English / Russian skirmishes in Marseille, 100 cars have been valeted and waxed, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built with awful pointing..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was sitting on the bed last night pulling my boxers off and the wife says ""You spoil those dogs"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, ""What's the matter?"" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. ""You know who that was don't you?"" asked the passer-by. ""No"" said the farmer ""who?"" ""That was Thora Hird."""

[BerlinIron]

"As reported by Football Insider, Spanish newspaper Sport have reported that that Vermaelen has a ÔøΩ63million release clause in the five -year contract he signed after leaving the Gunners two years ago. funniest thing I've read in a long time!"

[The Stoat]

Damn. I just won a ticket to see the Euro 2016 Final in Paris but its the same day as my brothers wedding. Would anyone else like to go instead?? The service will be at All Saints Stratford.

[20 benson]

"A British Navy destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards the Brighton coastline... The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, ""Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading, and what is your mission?"" One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,""We are invading England!"" The crew of the destroyer all start laughing. When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on the loudhailer and says, ""Just the four of you?"" The Muslim stands up again and shouts; ""We're the last four. The rest of us are already there"""

[ted fenton]

I thought it was funny Penners :-)

[penners28]

Everything ok here ted?

[ted fenton]

"Can anyone please help.A mate of mine has tickets for the champions league final in Milan,Real Madrid v Athletico Madrid. He bought the tickets months ago and unfortunately it has coincided with his wedding day. He wants to know if there is anyone you know that would like to get married this weekend."

[Mr Polite]

My first ever football match that I played in was a lot like my first time having sex. I ended up sore and bruised. But at least my dad came

[Noah]

"The same little Jonny that when Miss asked the class to use a sentence with the word ""contagious"" said ""when my dad saw our neighbour painting the front of his house with a one inch brush he said it will take the contagious""."

[Marston Hammer]

"Little johnny, contagious, etc etc"

[Ashy]

"Same Jonny that had to give an unusual word and use it in a sentence. ""Urinate!"" He proudly says. Miss tuts and against her better judgement tells him to put that in a sentence. ""Urinate miss, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!"""

[Saul Bollox]

"ray winstone 5:32 Wed May 18 Was the the same little Johnny who was asked to use auspices in a sentence and he said ""The stable floor gets wet when the 'orse pisses."

[ray winstone]

"The teacher asked the class to use the word ""fascinate""ù in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, ""My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."" The teacher said, ""That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ""òfascinate,' not 'fascinating'.""ù Sally raised her hand. She said, ""My family all went to see Disneyland and I was fascinated.""ù The teacher said, ""Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ""òfascinate'.""ù Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ""fascinate,""ù so she called on him. Johnny said, ""My aunt Carolyn has a blouse with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!""ù"

[Haz]

"Bloke rings up his boss and says he can't come to work because he's sick. His boss asks just how sick he is. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I'm in bed with my sister. '"

[Son of Sam]

"""Manchester united wanted my services, but I told them I don't work on Thursdays"" Zlatan Ibrahimovic"

[ted fenton]

LVG Responds ...... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCPOhll6n8Q&sns=fb

[BigDad]

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. What's clear and smells like red paint? Chloroform. Shhhh