THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Bungo]

Dinner was a disaster! It turns out that Phil Collins was right - you can't curry dove.

[ted fenton]

https://www.facebook.com/leylou80/videos/10153026646714186/?fref=nf

[ted fenton]

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food."

[Monk~koknee]

"A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. N.Z. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I just shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."". The old farmer replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"" The lawyer asked, ""What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"" The Farmer replied, ""Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ""Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."""

[Haz]

"I was in my car. Traffic was grid-locked. A policeman said: ""Terrorists are holding Brendon Rodgers to ransom. They are asking for £10 million cash otherwise they are going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."" I asked how much everyone was giving. ""About a gallon,"" he said"

[penners28]

"Chelsea have made their worst start since 1988. So for Chelsea fans, the worst start in their history...."

[SecondOpinion]

Mike Oxsaw 6:47 Sat Sep 12 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Is Mike a Joke then? Yes and good timing by the way. It's all about the timing

[bruuuno]

"Sad news from the nestle factory today after a man was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted ""the milky bars are on me"" everyone cheered"

[Mike Oxsaw]

Is Mike a Joke then?

[SecondOpinion]

That joke would have worked a lot better if the names were Steve and Mike

[Long Lost]

So where's Jim

[plankton]

"Two builders (we'll call them Chris and Jim) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris: I reckon he's an accountant. James: No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris: Oh! What's that then? Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: It's in a pond! Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: Me? Never Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris: How's that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of your garden, the size of your house, your family and your sex life! Chris: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. James: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris: Yep! He's a logical scientist! James: What's that then? Chris: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? James: Nope Chris: Well then, you're a wanker."

[Mirkwood]

Business news: Prophets down in Saudi crane industry

[The Stoat]

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ÔøΩBusiness trip or pleasure?ÔøΩ She turned, smiled and said, ÔøΩBusiness. IÔøΩm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ÔøΩWhatÔøΩs your Business at this convention?ÔøΩ ÔøΩLecturer,ÔøΩ she responded. ÔøΩI use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.ÔøΩ ÔøΩReally?ÔøΩ he said. ÔøΩAnd what kind of myths are there?ÔøΩ ÔøΩWell,ÔøΩ she explained, ÔøΩone popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ÔøΩIÔøΩm Sorry,ÔøΩ she said, ÔøΩI shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I donÔøΩt Even know your name.ÔøΩ ÔøΩTonto,ÔøΩ the man said, ÔøΩTonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy""."

[collyrob]

"My Mrs asked ""what do you think about Syria"" I said ""apart from juventus and Roma I can't see anyone else winning it this season"""

[Mr Polite]

I remember reading that joke in a 1982 edition of Laughter the Best Medicine in the readers digest

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Prince Charles goes to Middlesbrough to open a carpet factory. He turns up in a fur coat and hat. The manager is delighted that a senior royal has deigned to come all the way from London just to open his new factory. After cutting the ribbon ,he involves Charles in small talk and says that he looks resplendent in the fur coat and hat. ""Yes""ù says Charles ""Mummy asked me over dinner last night what I was doing today and I said I'm going to Middlesbrough to open a carpet factory so she said ""Middlesbrough? Where the fox hat?!!""ù"

[20 benson]

"Woman goes into the kitchen rubbing her head and says to her husband ""Fucking hell l just fell down the stairs thanks for helping"" The man replies ""Sorry l thought it was Eastenders finishing"""

[ted fenton]

The Germans have plenty of countryside in which to house the Syrian refugees. They are setting up camps in the Black Forest in a region to be called the Black Forest Ghetto.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Welsh farmer taking his driving test. The examiner says ""Can you make a U-turn?""ù ""I can make her eyes water if I go in dry""ù I'll get me fleece."

[Westside]

"An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, ""Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"" ""No,"" the coroner replied. ""Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"" The coroner answered, ""No."" ""Did you check for respiration? Breathing?"", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, ""No."" ""Ah,"" the attorney said, ""So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"" The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back ""Counsellor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk."" The attorney replied "" but you didn't actually check for signs of life did you? How could you be certain he was dead?"" The coroner says "" I see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."""

[The_Phantom]

"i got hit on the head by a load of books today,but it was all my own fault,i've only got my shelf to blame."

[ted fenton]

"""Oh look, it's Ian McKellen, one of Britain's greatest actors!"" I said to my mates upon seeing him in my local pub. ""Actually,"" he said, ""I'm Sir Ian."" ""My mistake,"" I apologised to my mates, ""it's one of them refugee c#nts."""

[riosleftsock]

"I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne."

[Coffee]

"ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________"