West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""Yeah,....Why?"" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""Of course I fucking have, You don't think I smell like this all the time?"" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""No....well not today"""

"yeah polite, don't be so sexist, why not a little girl? dont be ageist, why not an adult man or women? you cսnt."

"Mr Polite 2:22 Thu Aug 20 wow, is there any need for that?"

"What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died? Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak due to the tubes in his mouth."

"I heard in a recent study 1 in 8 people live next door to a paedophile. Not me, I live next to a stunning 11 yerar old with a nice arse"

Monk~koknee 12:31 Thu Aug 20 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ha ! Ha!

"A man walks into the butchers and ask for some sausages. The butchers says they have run out, so the man says that's alright my bikes outside!"

"At last an ally Mr P A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is a shambles."

Monk~koknee 5:22 Sat Aug 15 I love a good Anti Joke How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw acorns at her whilst screaming Jabbwocky is coming

"A desperate woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, ""Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"" She screamed, ""No, f*ck off you filthy old bastard!"" He shrugged and turned away, saying ""Okay, I'll just go and wait down at the bottom of the cliff then"""

"I witnessed a fire engine plough into a police car today. I was going to call an ambulance, but that might've been asking for trouble."

"A bloke in the toilet on a train..conductor bangs on the door ""Tickets please"" ""I'm in the toilet mate, ill show you when I'm done"" Ticket conductor says ""If you knew how many times I've seen people running to the toilet when I come around and say that...slide it under the door"" Blokes slides it under the door and says ""The yellow bits are corn I think"""

"Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk."" The question was worth 70 points or none at all. > > One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: > 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. > > 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. > > He got an A."

"Paddy and Mick are talking about scuba diving.""Do you know why divers fall out of the boat backwards?"" Mick says ""If they fell forwards,they still be in the boat"""

"So it's a really hot humid day and a bloke's Farmers are playing up..really itchy and irritating. He rings the NHS helpline and they tell him to get some cold wet used teabags,put them in the fridge before cramming them up his crack and then see the doctor first thing in the morning. They do soothe the itching for a while but ,to the blokes horror, the teabags burst overnight. Next morning, he's leaning on the doctors' surgery door, panic stricken. The doctor puts his white coat and latex gloves on before telling him to relax and bend over. ""What do you think, Doctor?""ù The doctor says ""ùYou're going to go on a long journey and meet a tall dark stranger""ù"

I can identify with Pavlov.

"10thofMay 3:25 Fri Aug 14 Fair point. I saw it in a list of anti-jokes. For some reason it amused me but possibly only in that context. ______________ Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting ""Shit, I forgot to feed the dog"""

"NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH Two Italian men got on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! ... Two asses, they come together again I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, ""You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!"", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"" Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex! I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi .' I bet you're gonna read this again!"

"Monk, I liked your first effort but the second was dreadful!"

"An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey."

"Not a joke but amusing wrongness nonetheless, Kunt & the gangs's latest - Paperboy http://youtu.be/py6eB-cmH-c"

"Old but gold. (Well, better than the previous efforts on this version of the joke thread)"

that is an old 70's joke

"This bloke lives in Watford and has never had a girlfriend because of his really smelly feet. They're really bad with the smell of his bare feet peeling wallpaper off of walls""¶that bad. He eventually meets a girl from Brighton ,on-line, who has never had a boyfriend because of her really really bad halitosis (breath) As the relationship gets more serious ,the conversations veer to more intimate subjects and they fall in love. The photos look fine and he decides to take the plunge and proposes to her, still online, and ,flattered, she accepts. Wanting a quick getaway after the wedding, he books the chapel at Gatwick with a honeymoon in Ibiza guaranteed to make his new wife a happy girl. He gets on the Gatwick Express loaded down with Charcoal insoles, Dr.Scholl footsprays, dozens of pairs of new socks ,button up-to- the-knee Doc Martens and every foot care product he could think of. She's on the train at Brighton with Fisherman's Friend lozenges, Gold Spot breath spray, Trebor Extra Strong mints and umpteen other medicaments guaranteed to ward off evil smells. The wedding goes off without a hitch (!) and they set off for sun, sand and romance ! They get to their hotel and they both realise that things aren't going well.She's running low on mints etc and her extra sensitive taste buds are on high alert""¶she's starting to pong a bit. He's also running short of supplies, so, clutching their Berlitz guides, they set off in separate directions to find a chemist. They both have no luck at all and they realise that they've got to own up. He gets back to the hotel suite and finds his bride crying her eyes out. ""What's up, darling?""ù he says ""I've *snivel* got something to tell you *snivel*""ù ""So have I""ù he says and grabs her and gives her a long ""ìtongue tickling tonsils-snog and pulls away. He looks into her eyes ""ì twin pools of moonlight - and says ""You've eaten one my f**king socks, haven't you??""ù"

"Shaqiri asked when he's going to make his debut his reply ""whenever, wherever"""