THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[BigDad]

"An oldie, but a goodie ... A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. ""You can't wear white."", reminds the sales clerk, ""You've been married three times already."" ""Of course I can, I'm a virgin!"", says the bride. ""Impossible"", says the sales assistant. ""Unfortunately not"", the bride explained. ""My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"""

[BigDad]

"A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: ""I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"" The girl said: ""You told me it was just like a baby"". The guy replied: ""Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches""."

[Monk~koknee]

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. ""¶ After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, ""You fellas ought to know your limits.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy is doing a crossword. He says to Murphy ""I'm stuck on 2 down""¶Flightless bird from Iceland,(6,7)""ù Murphy thinks for a moment ""Dat's easy - Frozen Chicken""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"A man coming home from a pub three sheets to the wind, is busting for a shit. He goes in someone's garden squats down and craps. He wakes the next morning feeling really guilty so decides to go back and clean up his mess. He sneaks into the garden and starts looking for the offending pile. He can't find it anywhere and starts rustling the shrubs desperately looking for his turd. All of a sudden he hears ""Oi what are you doing in my garden"" He says ""Sorry sir, but a gust of wind blew my hat into your garden and I was looking for it"" The garden owner says ""oh that's alright, I thought you were the dirty bastard who shit on my tortoise last night"""

[joe blob]

"Man goes to a problem page online stating he has a very small penis and has never had sex as a consequence. A madam reads the page and invites him to her brothel saying ""I have just the thing."" When he arrives he is shown to a girl who removes her glass eye and tells him to shag the socket. When finished he is overjoyed with the experience, and says he will return next week. She replies: ""OK I'll keep an eye out for you."""

[WHOicidal Maniac]

If thats the future standard of 'jokes' you can bin this thread straight away

[Marston Hammer]

"There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said ""I've got this really cool game we can play"" the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The hedgehog said ""now its your turn"" ""no way that's to scary"" said the second hedgehog. ""No look, it's really easy"" said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said ""look there's a car coming now its your turn"" the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car."