THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

No need to change the bank notes in Liverpool they already have charlie on them !

[joe royal]

News just in from a reliable source: All schools in Scotland are to be closed tomorrow. Nothing to do with the Queen....just that prince Andrew has arrived at Balmoral.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what the bastards gave me for breakfast?? Cheerios !!

[ted fenton]

"Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual ""watch that tree, slow down, ""moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically ""relatives of yours?"" I replied ""yeah inlaws"""

[ted fenton]

Coffee hahaha Aalborg very good

[Coffee]

ted fenton 1:27 Mon Aug 29 Strange that so many women experience perpetual menstruation.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Princess Diana's Ford Escort sells for £650k at auction - That's cheap considering Prince Andrews escort cost £12 million

[ted fenton]

"A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle. For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive. Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse."

[Son of Sam]

Just thinking back to when we were kids and the simple fun we had. Bring a couple of old tyres to the top of a hill and roll them down. Those were good years.

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY üôÇ A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his facemask, and he asked me what it might be. I told him ""When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"""

[bell]

"I saw Gary Delaney at Saffron Walden a few months back, was supurb."

[wansteadman]

Gary Delaney 23rd October. Clacton on sea

[Exiled In Surrey]

"""Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."" The priest asks, ""Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"" ""Yes, Father, it is."" ""And who was the girl you were with?"" ""I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."" ""Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"" ""I cannot say."" ""Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"" ""I'll never tell."" ""Was it Nina Capelli?"" ""I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."" ""Was it Cathy Piriano?"" ""My lips are sealed."" ""Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"" ""Please, Father! I cannot tell you."" The priest sighs in frustration. ""You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."" Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ""What'd you get?"" ""Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[ted fenton]

Well he made me laugh MD some of those quickies are very funny ;-)

[Mad Dog]

"Ted. That's gary delaney. My favourite comedian. I've seen him live several times and he's much much better live. He's toned right down any time He's on tv. His last 2 tours I saw twice, once at beginning and once towards the end. Both times by the time it got to the 2nd show loads of the gags had changed as He's constantly writing. He's a genuinely nice bloke too, spoke to him a few times and on social media he will respond to most messages he gets. Married to Sarah milligan too"

[ted fenton]

Decent one liners https://www.google.com/search?q=bbc+nine+minutes+of+one+liners&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=BBC+One+liners&aqs=chrome.1.0i512j0i22i30j0i390l2.10271j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

[Haz]

"To be honest Ray, the FedEx one did make me chortle."

[ray winstone]

"Lee Trundle 11:48 Mon Aug 22 Fuck me, 'jokes'?"

[Lee Trundle]

"Dave's Top 10 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe: 1. ""I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta"" - Masai Graham 2. ""Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery"" - Mark Simmons 3. ""My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock"" - Olaf Falafel 4. ""By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family"" - Hannah Fairweather 5. ""I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person"" - Will Mars 6. ""I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back"" - Olaf Falafel 7. ""I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx"" - Richard Pulsford 8. ""I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery"" - Tim Vine 9. ""Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate"" - Sophie Duker 10. ""I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days"" - Will Duggan"

[ted fenton]

"A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ""Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if not cured, get back £1,000."" Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: ""Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."" Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."" Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Dr. Young: ""Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your memory back. That will be££500."" Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: ""My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, ""Here's your £1000 back"" (giving him a £10 bill). Dr. Young: ""But this is only £10!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You got your vision back! That will be £500."" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're ""Young"" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ""old Geezer"" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers"

[ted fenton]

"Rashid is a 52 year old man from Sudan. He is deaf and has only one eye, one leg, and one arm. He cares for his fifteen grandchildren, whose parents have all died from disease, famine or violence. Every morning Rashid must ride 50 km to collect water for his family on a bike with no tyres, no forward gear, and only one pedal. If you send us just £2 a month we will give you a video of it, it's f#cking hilarious. Yeah I know it's old"

[eswing hammer]

"I met this Dutch bird on a dating agency, who owned her own inflatable shoe company , we arranged to meet but she never turned up , so l phoned the agency and they told me unfortunately she'd popped her clogs !"

[ted fenton]

"My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said ""I've never really looked but probably light brown"

[ted fenton]

"Just heard that the new James Bond will be aimed at the woke brigade. will star as a man transitioning to a woman. The film will be called ""¶ ""Cocktopussy""ù"

[Hammer and Pickle]

I always try to save my best material for the gammons.