THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

Ag !

[ted fenton]

"A young man went for a walk with his new girlfriend and they saw dogs mating. She said: ""How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"" He replied: ""He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."" They then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe. Again, his girlfriend asked: ""How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?"" He replied: ""Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."" Anyway, after the walk, he dropped her home and kissed her goodbye. She said: ""Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19. Surprised, ""Why do you say that?"" he asked her. She replied: ""Cause you seem to have lost your sense of smell."""

[ted fenton]

Hello Mrs. Jones 10:39 Thu Mar 3 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ted. Can I please have my 5 minutes back? Hahaha ;-)

[lab]

Excellent AH

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old Jewish fella died and his wife gets a call from the undertaker ""Mrs.Goldstein,you've only put three words on your husbands' gravestone ""Samuel Goldstein's dead"". She replies ""OK""she says ""put ""Samuel Goldstein's dead -Mercedes for sale """

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Ted. Can I please have my 5 minutes back?

[ted fenton]

"A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ""Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."" With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. ""That was beautiful,"" he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, ""I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."" After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, ""Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."" The blonde frowned and said, ""It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."" She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, ""I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."" The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, ""Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."" The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ""Don't listen to the kid, darling'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."" The old grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ""That's a gimme, sweetheart."" The blonde smiled and said, ""Your car or mine?"" REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!"

[joyo]

Is that because he's a little potty?

[boleyn8420]

What do you call a Russian bedpan A Poohtin

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q. What did the Slug say to the snail ?? A.""BIG ISSUE !!!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"News from Buckingham Palace. The Queen's in bed with Covid 19 and Andrew's in bed with Chloe,17"

[The Stoat]

"Awful weather conditions today so just visited my 90 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shops. Turns out that she did, so I gave her my list too. No point in both of us going"

[ted fenton]

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring. Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.

[ted fenton]

;-)

[The Stoat]

ted You should cut down on visiting pet stores mate üòÇüòÇ

[ted fenton]

"I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, ""alright Vexed, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"" ""Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"" ""Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."" ""Do you want flies with that?"""

[joe royal]

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead at the house of a famous French footballer. Sounds like murder on Zidane's floor.

[The Stoat]

"My mate took performance enhancing drugs before he entered a bobsleigh event. He complained of feeling unwell, then he went down hill rapidly"

[With Kind Regards]

"I was rooting about in the back of the wardrobe this morning and Mrs WKR asked what I was doing. I told her, it's Narnia business""¶"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, ""How will I know if they are pregnant?"" The other farmer replied, ""If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."" The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, ""Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."" ""Neither,"" yelled his wife. ""They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."" 🤣🤣🤣"

[claret on my shirt]

More shocking behaviour about footballers and animals about to hit the press: Apparently there is footage of the Spurs team playing football with hedgehogs. By the time the police got to the scene the hedgehogs were 2-0 up.

[ted fenton]

"Australian Love Poem Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.. [ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. ]"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Kurt's missus...silly git

[Aalborg Hammer]

I believe it all started when Franks' missus said the cat needed to be chipped

[Queens Fish Bar]

How many WHOers do you need to create different threads on the same transfer window issues?