THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"joyo 8:29 Wed Dec 15 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Lewis Hamilton's request to join the 80s pop band Musical Youth has been rejected, the agent for the group said the reason was because he couldn't past the Dutchie on de left hand side. Hahaha ;-)"

[joyo]

"Lewis Hamilton's request to join the 80s pop band Musical Youth has been rejected, the agent for the group said the reason was because he couldn't past the Dutchie on de left hand side."

[Mattie Mulshun]

To whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now

[Bungo]

"It used to be a Christmas tradition for our whole family to go down the pub, come home after a few hours and deck the halls. To be honest I'm surprised the Halls carried on living next door for as long as they did."

[ted fenton]

"This story really touched me...... A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset. She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice replied: ""Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"" His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: ""Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."" ""Well,"" he said, ""I'm in the pub next door!"""

[Nutsin]

"Englishman, Frenchman and Italian down the pub having a beer. Frenchman says, ""you know, after I make love to my wife I massage her Feet and she floats 2 inches in the air.""ù Italian says, "" after I make love to my wife I rub her back and she floats 6 inches in the air.""ù Englishman says, ""after I shag my old lady, I wipe my nob on her drapes and she hits the roof.""ù"

[Nutsin]

I didn't know DNA stood for the National association of Dyslexics.

[Nutsin]

"I was dating a girl who was cross eyed, I had to dump her, she was seeing someone else."

[ted fenton]

"Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, And every year Bill would say, "" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "" Blanche always replied, "" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! "" One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "" To this, Blanche replied, "" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "" The pilot overheard the couple and said, "" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "" Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "" Bill replied, "" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, But you know, Twenty quid is twenty quid! """

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said ""You remind me of my little toe"". She said ""Is that because I'm small and cute?"" I replied ""No because with a bit of luck I'll end up banging you on the coffee table""."

[ted fenton]

Be extra careful on the roads with Christmas around the corner a lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive !!

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I bought a dog the other day off the local blacksmith. It was only in the house for half an hour before it made a bolt for the door!

[ted fenton]

"It snowed last night: 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from bbc showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied ""Snowballs"" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes."

[ted fenton]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[Mad Dog]

"Makes me sick. I work all year round, save up my hard earned cash just to pay out fortunes for expensive presents for the kids. And that fat cսnt with the beard gets all the credit. Still, it's my own fault for marrying her"

[The Stoat]

The other half has asked me to help her with her diet So I've hidden her teeth

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's just after the American civil war and a bunch of brothers,the Johnstones,get together to form a band. The only gig they can get is on a paddle steamer down the Mississippi river. The cargo is horse shit to be used as fertilizer in the deep south. They pull into St.Louis,Missouri and the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Columbus,Kentucky and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Fulton,Tennessee and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying Again,the captain says "" 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. As they pull out into the river,the eldest brother Johnstone says to the captain ""Do you think when we pull in next time,we can get top billing?"""

[bell]

"Competition Time; Who said: ""I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee?"" Answers on a postcard to: Muhammad Ali Competition, PO Box 585, London."

[ted fenton]

"I've just seen a sign that read ""We'd rather serve 1000 Muslims than one of our troops"". Who says undertakers don't have a sense of humour?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Lecturer: ""Gravity is the most fundamentally important force in the known universe!"" Student ""What if you took it away?"" Lecturer : ""Then we'd just have gravy"""

[lab]

Love that Ted .

[ted fenton]

"Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'."

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, ""Burger and chips, please."" ""Certainly, Sir,"" I replied. ""Are you eating in or taking out?"" ""You Bastard,"" he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen."

[The Stoat]

"This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favourite. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths! Here goes ... Film Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below. Film List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story"

[legrandefromage]

That would make you non-decimal