West Ham Online

1. Get rid of the fucking DJ. 2. Have all the people caught doing the Xfactor sign ejected. 3. Instruct the stadium announcer to reverse his dumbed down delivery style. 4. Ban people with half and Half scarves from entering.

"Buy the existing shareholders out by issuing 200,000 shares at £3k per share. No one able to hold more that one share per individual. Appoint Sir TB and Mark Noble to the board of directors along with a 'fans representative' (who must change every three years to prevent them getting too up themselves). Build an atmospheric 50,000+ stadium with safe standing. Build a new training facility for all levels of the club in one location inc. a decent 5,000 seat stadium. That will do for starters..."

1. Buy the London Stadium 2. Knock it down 3. Build a replica of the Boleyn Ground bar those tacky towers 4. Extend the East Stand as originally planned 5. Fill in the corners Et Voila 60kish seater stadium. 6. Ban tourist fans 7. Ban anyone with a sign begging for a players shirt 8. Make sure the beer and lager was decent at a £6 max price 9. Install Billy Bonds and Frank MacAvennie as hosts 10. Ban Carlton Cole and Tony Cottee (Moyes apologists)

"Buy the stadium or build our own one quickly. And then... Employ fans as stewards. Employ proper bar staff in the bars who understand pub culture. Encourage the fighting of away fans, tourists and half-half scarf wearers in the stands."

Do something about the atrocious food that's being served up at exorbitant prices.

"1. Make it £3 a pint for home fans and £15 a pint for away fans (thick northerners will still pay as they'll think its just London prices) maybe make it £25 each if they buy more than 2 at once 2. Find a way of drugging/poisoning key opposition players, nothing serious just so they always have a really shit game, eventually we'll be known as a proper bad luck fixture 3. Donate £1M to WHO so they can fix the fucking clock"

"Make the wifi and phone signal actually decent in and around the stadium. Display scores in other games periodically on the big screens rather than just at half time, or put up goals as they go in."

Serve all the booze in non transparent cups and tell all the stewards to turn a blind eye. Move the turnstiles to where the bridges are and open the gates a few hours early so everyone can drink on that outer bit and get an atmosphere going. Get the front of the stands closer on all sides. Serve pie and mash and proper chip shop style chips. Screens showing coverage of other matches and other live sport round the concourse when our game isn’t going on. Turn some of the women’s toilets into mens toilets. Sack the manager and make sure the football is entertaining week in week out.

"I'd go full-on taking games at home to being a couple of hours where a working MAN can express himself and vent any anger that has built up during the week. Half-time Hammerettes - topless, naturally, all and any offensive chanting encouraged (but no physical violence - there's a wife at home who has first digs at that), and the Salvation Army Band.\ Real ale in all the bars, none of this chemically enhanced Heineken shit."

I'd get rid of the fireworks and pre match 'show' - low class wankery.

"Add 10,000 more seats Have a selection of cask ales Make the serving staff more competent Un ban all the banned supporters Suggest we’re about to do something really special"

"I like the DJ... It's normally when he goes off that the entertainment stops flashing lights, music > Moyesball."

Give myself a raise.

"arsene - Are you really 76? Pretty fucking sad, fella."

Implemente a cracking cheeseboard

Rebuild Upton Park exactly as it was where it was

Cum over Karen Brady's face whilst sacking her.

Hang my self

Sack Moyes !