West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

A few of us went Carol singing at Broadmoor hospital yesterday .
Everything was going fine until we sang the line : 
Do you hear what I hear . 

A priest, an imam and a rabbit go to donate blood. The nurse asks them, "Do you know which blood type you each are?" The rabbit says, "I think I am a type O."

Touch me again, ag ag ag ag

Apparently last night celebrating their victory, the Scotland fans went through more tennants than Fred and Rose West.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are coming back with us, get your arses in the train. The mother went nuts and told her son, 'We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.' 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.' As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cսnt in the kitchen!'"

Gang

*How did he know there were more than two occasions? She didn't say that.*

She's a hoe... he took a wild guess... 

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table - I know it's original 'cos there's a piece of veneer missing

This Halloween I sat and mixed all the sweet wrappers up..the wife wasn't happy,she got her snickers in a twix

Copper on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  
"Yes," replies the little girl.  
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.  
The little girl looks up at the copper and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  
The copper chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Noncing has managed to infiltrate the Jokes Thread now! I can't fucking breathe you cunts

joyo and his girlfriend are arguing over what music to listen to.

she says "i'm not listening to michael jackson, he was a paedophile"

joyo says: "that's a big word for an 8 year old".

Found an advert from Italy from summer of 1945

Rifles and guns sale
AS NEW NEVER USED AND ONLY DROPPED ONCE 

English man: "That your dog?
Welsh man: "Aye"
English man: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welsh man: "Dog don't talk."
English man: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right.

"Welsh man: (look of shock)

English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welsh man)
Dog: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welsh man: (Look of total disbelief!)

English man: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh man: "Horse don't talk."
English man: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."

Welsh man: (Extreme look of shock!)

English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welsh man)
Horse: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welsh man: (Look of total amazement!)

English man: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh man: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!"

What's the difference between a Wimpey building sight and the Brighton nude beach?

One is full of dense Micks.....

GANK

He was just 'pushing on' to see what she would say...

It's called the 'presumptive challenge'... 

PS ...but thanks for being a pedantic arsehole
 

COOL HAND LUKE" wrote: ↑28 May 2025, 11:42 Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
​​​​"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"

"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..." 

 

Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
​​​​"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"

"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..." 
 

A priest is driving home and he spots a dead pig in the road. He stops to call the police to let them know.

A cocky sergeant takes the call. "Have you read the pig it's last rites yet?" he smirks.

"No", says the priest, "I thought I would inform his next of kin first..."
 

Doctor: I've got bad news and good news
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your cancer has spread. There is no further effective treatment. I have referred you to palliative care and booked you into the local Hospice.
Patient: What's the good news then?
Doctor: See that staff Nurse over there? She gave me a blow job last night.

Teacher: Auspices means with the protection or support of someone or something, especially an organization. Can one of you give an example of a sentence with the word auspices.
Boy at the back: When the 'orse pisses the stable floor gets wet.

Giuseppe lived in a small town in Italy and had done so for 80 years. He was increasingly growing concerned about the disdain he was experiencing from his neighbors and townspeople he'd known his whole life. One day a tourist visiting the town came up to Giuseppe and asked him what was the matter and why everyone seemed to dislike him so much.

He said, "I was a great architect when I was young, and built the chapel, the ampitheater, and all of the aqueducts, but does anyone care? No!"

"Before I was an architect, I was also a doctor. I delivered our Mayor's baby, saved a woman from a deadly snakebite, and discovered a new antibiotic which has helped hundreds of people. Does anyone remember? No!"

"In my spare time I also compose and play music and have written multiple world-renowned concertos. Do you think they care? No!"

Bewildered, the tourist couldn't imagine why the townspeople didn't like him, and asked, "So what's the problem??"

With a sigh, Giuseppe said, "Ahh, but you fuck one goat...."

What's the difference between Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

Roy Rogers had a prarie hat..................

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

A goldfish mucks about in fountains...
 

In college, our biology teacher had a locked box where we could submit questions that he would read to the class without embarrassing anyone. Someone submitted a question about “what is sperm made of?” and he answered saying it’s primarily made of protein and sugars.

Without thinking, a girl at the back of the class asked “then why does it taste so sour?"
 

My daughter at about age 10 came to me and asked what gay is.

I explained to her that people are normally attracted to the opposite sex but a minority are attracted to the same sex. I told her there is nothing wrong with this and that there is no reason to treat them differently, as to them it is perfectly normal.

She said: " I understand, it's like a poof."