West Ham Online

As in, you're a much use as..., or any other format

To get the ball rolling, Tits on a nun

When I'm really pissed with someone I have been known to call them...

A talentless fucking handjob

Useless cսnt is my normal go to. 

An old school friends furious market trader dad after discovering my mate had punted out several bags of fruit and veg at a heavily discounted price due to his poor maths and confusing the pounds for ounces at the scales.

"Boy if you fell in a barrel load of tits you would come out sucking your thumb"

 

A legend in his own lunchbreak

“Spursey”

If brains were dynamite he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off

As touchy as Jimmy Savile: which seems to apply perfectly to a couple of posters on this very thread.

About as useful as a chocolate fireguard 

 bacon sandwich at a bar mitzvah

A wet fart in a spacesuit.

A man made of smoke.... was what my mum used to say.

As much use as a , as a name.

---

As thick as a whale omelette.

With thanks to Blackadder I think?

As much use as a H&P opinion

My old man had a few but one that sticks in the mind was

"he is as dim as a Toc H lamp"

Normally when referring to me

Joey Deacon at an orgy.

The missing leg on an underage Cambodian Doris.

ashtray on a motorbike

Michael J Fox's measuring spoons.

Nigel Farage as an MP

As much use as men’s tits or a one legged man at an arse kicking party. 

i think these originated in the Boys from the Blackstuff

MPI - a derivative of Nigel Quashie?

He had about as much charm as a dead Dolphin 

Kwasi - To be used when someone comes in and causes a great deal of chaos and poor performance in an extraordinarily short space of time. J-Lo recent win has forestalled accusations that he is "a complete Kwasi"

See also Well you really Kwasied that up whilst standing pointing at a complete clusterfuck.

A tool , a marzipoan dildo, a Millie (sorry Cheval et The Grande Fromage)