THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Agent Scud]

What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The army, the SAS and the police are on a team building exercise training day in a wood. The person in charge gathers them all around and says - ""for your first task i want you to go into the wood in your groups and bring back a rabbit"" The SAS go into the wood two minutes later they emerge with a rabbit. The army go into the wood, guns sound, they emerge carrying a rabbit. The police go into the wood, two hours later they emerge with a squirrel in handcuffs. The person in charge says ""what are you doing? i asked for a rabbit. The police go back into the wood. ten hours later they come out with the same squirrel in handcuffs, the squirrel has two black eyes, is black and blue with clumps of fur missing. The person in charge says ""what the hell are you playing at? i asked for a rabbit."" The squirrel says ""ok, ok i admit it i'm a fucking rabbit !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms.Rasberry,Banana,etc. He goes home and says to his wife ""Lets play a game.I'll put one on and you guess what flavour it is"". She goes under the blanket and says ""Cheese and onion"" he says ""For f*ck sake ,Woman,I haven't put one on yet!"""

[Coffee]

They're just hanging on the telephone.

[Monk~koknee]

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's such a shame they'll never meet.

[The Stoat]

BRANDED 10:35 Tue Aug 25 Marston Hammer 10:11 Tue Aug 25 Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

[BRANDED]

"Top 10 funniest at Edinburg fringe The winning joke was: ""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."" Walsh, from Peterborough, who won the first UK Pun Championship last year, said he was delighted. ""What a punderful feeling,"" he said. It was the eighth year that the joke award has been made. Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm. This year saw the youngest comedian make the award shortlist, as 12-year-old 'Grace The Child' claimed 10th place. The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe ""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"" - Darren Walsh ""Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"" - Stewart Francis ""Surely every car is a people carrier?"" - Adam Hess ""What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"" - Masai Graham ""If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"" - Dave Green ""Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas"" - Mark Nelson ""Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day"" - Tom Parry ""The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves"" - Alun Cochrane ""Clowns divorce. Custardy battle"" - Simon Munnery ""They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..."" - Grace The Child"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business & this fat ugly bird came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, ""You're kind of cute ,Have you got a phone number?"" I said, ""Yes, have you got a pen?"" She said ""Yes, I've got a pen."" I said, ""You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."""

[Marston Hammer]

"1.""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"" - Darren Walsh 2.""Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"" - Stewart Francis 3.""Surely every car is a people carrier?"" - Adam Hess 4.""What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"" - Masai Graham 5.""If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"" - Dave Green 6.""Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas"" - Mark Nelson 7.""Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day"" - Tom Parry 8.""The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves"" - Alun Cochrane 9.""Clowns divorce. Custardy battle"" - Simon Munnery 10.""They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..."" - Grace The Child ‚óæ""I never lie on my CV""¶because it creases it."" - Jenny Collier ‚óæ""If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"" - Ian Smith ‚óæ""I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"" - Tom Ward ‚óæ""Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"" - Gyles Brandreth ‚óæ""Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'"" - Ally Houston ‚óæ""Earlier this year I saw ""The Theory of Everything"" - loved it. Should've been called ""Look Who's Hawking"", that's my only criticism"" - James Acaster"

[Mr Polite]

I saw James Acaster in a free event in front of about 30 people as he warmed up for the fringe. Quite interesting seeing a comedian perform for the first time and test jokes out. at one point He was half way through one and just stopped and said... yeah I thought that was a bit shit when I was writing it and just went on to something else.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q. What's the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? A.With erotic sex ,you use a feather,with kinky sex,you use the whole chicken Kenny Everett circa 1978"

[Steve P]

"Arf! One for you, Mr P ""Earlier this year I saw ""The Theory of Everything"" - loved it. Should've been called ""Look Who's Hawking"", that's my only criticism"" - James Acaster"

[Mr Polite]

You never credit people on the joke thread P. You post up and claim as you're own. Rookie mistake right there.

[Steve P]

"""If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"" - Ian Smith From the BBC report about the Edinburgh Fringe"

[HairyHammer]

There was this Hammers fan and he was always happy and smiling.

[Mad Dog]

Binary 101. Not a class for beginners

[The Stoat]

"A Fried Chicken magnate rang the Pope and offered him ÔøΩ200 billion if he changed the words from the Lords prayer from ÔøΩGive us this day our daily bread.ÔøΩ to ÔøΩGive us this day our daily chicken.ÔøΩ After an hour or so, the Pope rang him back and agreed. After another hour, he called a meeting with this cardinals, and said, ÔøΩIÔøΩve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is weÔøΩve just made ÔøΩ200 billion. The bad news is, weÔøΩve lost the Hovis contract.ÔøΩ"

[The Stoat]

"Two woman are sitting in the doctor's waiting room with their husbands. One of the women strikes up a conversation and says to the other one, "" what are you here for then?"" ""It's my arsehole"", replies the woman. ""Goodness me, I'm sorry to hear that"", says the first woman, ""what exactly is the problem?"".... ""He's got the flu"""

[Monk~koknee]

"Your mother is so classless""¶ she could be a Marxist utopia."

[Russ of the BML]

Why did the pervert cross the road? He was chasing the chicken

[Swiss.]

"An Englishman, Irishmsn and Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says ""What is this some kind of a joke"""

[Mr Polite]

"Si, just because you and claret didn't like it don't mean it aint funny. A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman all walk into a bar. except there's no rabbi and no shaman and it's actually my 8th birthday and the priest is molesting me. and the priest is my uncle and he's not a priest. My uncle molested me... a lot. how can people not like anti-jokes"

[Trevor B]

surprise people?

[Agent Scud]

"Mr Polite 2:22 Thu Aug 20 AG x 5 What does a baby in a blender look like? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate"

[simon.s]

"Don't forget the first rule of comedy, Polite."