THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Too Much Too Young]

"According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of the girls would go into the bathroom to refresh their makeup and put on lipstick throughout the day. That was fine, but during the craziness of mid-term exams and in anticipation of the coming holidays, after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints in patterns on the mirror. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators."

[riosleftsock]

"I got so sick of the trick or treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules."

[claret50]

"Traffic Wardens Funeral As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, A voice from inside screams ""I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"" The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters ""Too fucking late pal, I've all ready done the paperwork"""

[Mirkwood]

Thank you :)

[The Stoat]

Anyone tried the new Pizza Express Christmas Special It's DEEP PAN CRISP and EVEN

[riosleftsock]

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl. So we converted to Islam.

[riosleftsock]

"Some kids stopped me outside the shop earlier and said, ""Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?"" ""Sure I will,"" I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight."

[Mirkwood]

Please get this thread back to normal. Its all I have.

[ted fenton]

"""Do you remember what day today is?"" asked my wife. ""Of course!"" I replied. ""...Happy Valenbirthsary!"""

[Saul Bollox]

"The Sister is washing a patient in ICU while the doctors are considering turning off the ventilators. The Sister when washing her vagina notices that the patient blinks. She calls the Doctors and shows them. The Doctors call in her husband and ask him if he wants to try to stimulate her. They tell him that oral sex would be the best thing to try. They leave him behind the curtains, but after a couple of minutes the alarms start going off. The Doctors rush in and the husband tells them ""I think she's choking on the semen."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man turns to his wife in bed and whispers, ""Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"" ""Oh, what a pity,"" she said, ""Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"""

[riosleftsock]

Jokes don't kill people. Muslims who are offended by jokes kill people.

[hub hub hub hub]

What the fuck just happened ?

[Coffee]

The obvious - and correct - answer is WHO's there.

[Erith Jeff]

I was on a13 yest wen I drive past 2 crisps I stop my Beamer n said ite lads u want a lift in the wagon n they said no thx we are walkers AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Erith Jeff]

hw the fuck u stupid freak i posted a joke

[WHOicidal Maniac]

Jesus Christ...you are a painfully shit comedy character...you are funnier in your WHOmails though...but not by much

[Erith Jeff]

adolf. adolf who? ADOLF BALL JUS HIT IN MY EYE AND IT RELE HURTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

[Erith Jeff]

whos there u might ask

[Erith Jeff]

knock knock

[The Stoat]

Erith Jeff 3:24 Mon Dec 14 WTF ???

[Erith Jeff]

"so ther an English man a irish man scot tish man in a bar. the English man said to the irish one, u come here often then the scot man said who me and the irish man said no thnk he is talkin to me so then the scotman said what beer they got and then the English man said they only got foster and then irish man said no peroni ? and then he sed no"

[20 benson]

A man utd fan walks in to a travel agents and says im looking to get away for a few days what do you recommend . The agent says you can't beat bournemouth this time of year

[JonWHUFC]

"Did you know that Saudi Arabia and Dubai have some subtle differences in their cultures. So, for example, they have different rules on what cartoons their children are allowed to watch. In Riyadh they are not allowed to watch The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do."

[riosleftsock]

"A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, ""Mum, mum, we're sitting round the neighbour's watching porn!"" Mum: ""WHAT!!?"" Boy: ""Relax, mum! It's child porn!"""