THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, ""Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."" He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, ""What's your occupation?"" ""I'm a Hooker,"" she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ""Let's try to re-phrase that."" The woman says, ""OK, I'm a high-end call girl"". ""No, that still won't work. Try again."" They both think for a minute; then the woman says, ""I'm an elite poultry farmer."" The accountant asks, ""What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"" ""Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."" ""Poultry Farmer it is."""

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. ""Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."" The art collector replied, ""I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."" The lawyer said, ""Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."" Saul replied enthusiastically, ""Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"" The lawyer replied, ""The pictures are of you with your secretary."""

[joyo]

My daughter used to love the cabbage patch dolls....now she's off to Brazil to get a real life One!

[Mad Dog]

"Sorry, by the way"

[Mad Dog]

"If all these women giving birth to disabled brown babies in Brazil tells us one thing, at least we know where Dwight Yorke went on holiday last year"

[riosleftsock]

"The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm. So at 6.45 this morning, I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse. When I was finished, I whispered in her ear, ""Time to get up for work, darling."""

[joyo]

"People living in Brazil are quite liberal with sun,sex and samba, but l think because of the Zika virus they have become very narrow minded!"

[BigDad]

joyo... BOOM !!! Now that's what this thread is all about

[The Stoat]

"A bloke strolls into an Islamic Book Shop in Brick Lane and is approached by the owner who asked him what he wants He said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants? The owner replied, ""Fuck off get out and never come back"" He said ""yes, that's the one, how much?"""

[bell]

"What if Stephen Hawking is The Real Slim Shady, but no one will ever know because he won't stand up?"

[joyo]

I'm thinking of going to Brazil for a blow-job as I've heard it's a good place to get a little head!

[ted fenton]

"It's IKEA's 25th birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there's your fucking cake. Hahaha"

[riosleftsock]

I discovered that my son has become sexually active today. Not what I wanted to find out from the vet.

[riosleftsock]

"One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway. Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter, the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls. The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. ""You want a doll of yourself?"" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll. The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, ""Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you."""

[Mirkwood]

Funny that Ted :)

[ted fenton]

Very Clever Lad https://www.facebook.com/thedailyheckle/videos/863803410403532/?fref=nf

[lab]

"Well done sir , made me chuckle."

[claret on my shirt]

"Muslims are not happy?? They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran .. They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen ... They're not happy in Afghanistan ... They're not happy in Pakistan .. They're not happy in Syria .. They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia .. They're happy in Canada .. They're happy in England .. They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland .. They're happy in Denmark .. Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN ! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How frigging dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that ""when they die, it all gets better""???"

[WHOicidal Maniac]

"Shouldn't...clearly. No need to get defensive, just because your joke is shit."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I should not do it or should do it......dick

[WHOicidal Maniac]

Hello Mrs. Jones 11:43 Fri Jan 22 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I never post on this thread because all my jokes arent funny...you should do it too.

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Winnie Mandela....

[The Joker]

Fuck's sake.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Not a joke but too good not to share... Whilst looking on the web to find when Hoare & Cos introduced Toby Ale came across this on a John Hoares family history site. Extract from ""The Magic of my Youth"" by Arthur Calder-Marshall *The author, under age, visits 'the Blue Posts' public house off Tottenham Court Road (Central London)* I pushed open the door. Behind the bar was a peroxide blonde who pulled beer dreamily as she conversed with a red foxy-faced man sitting on a stool. Her cheeks were white with powder, her thin lips painted with greasy lipstick in a parody of passion. From home training I knew she was 'common' and probably fast. She appeared entrancingly desirable, even though she was pathetically plain and undernourished. I liked standing there not being served. It was a cheap peek at Life. Having served customers to my right and left, she deigned to notice me. ""And what do you want, son?"" she asked. The 'son' riled me (though it might have been 'sonny'). In a loud, clear voice which betrayed the timidity it was meant to disguise I said, ""I want two large Elephants, please."" This sentence, formulated as I hesitated outside, seemed to me a triumph of expertise, until I saw the expression on the girl's face. ""I'm sorry, son,"" she said; ""I didn't quite catch."" A couple of large Elephants,"" I repeated, laying my money on the counter. ""Or four small ones would do."" She turned to a managerial person by her side. ""There's a young gentleman here,"" she said in a ringing voice, ""wanting to buy elephants. Could you see to him?"" The bar was silent. The customers knew they were on, to a good thing. The Manager asked me to repeat my request. I did so with what I hoped was the proper scorn of anybody in the pub business who didn't know what an Elephant was. ""There's a pet shop up the road, son,"" he said, ""but I doubt they could give you delivery tonight."" This and the roar of laughter which followed it made me realise the double entendre, but I was too ashamed to laugh myself. ""Don't you,"" I asked with surging contempt, ""don't you keep Fremlin's Elephant Ale?"" ""Oh,"" said the barmaid. ""This is a Hoare's house, sonny, not a Fremlin's. What about two large Hoares?"". Nearly capsized in the hurricane of laughter which this suggestion raised, I paid across my money, snatched the large Hoares and pushed into the street"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy goes for an interview and the bloke says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" so he went downstairs and beat up the doorman...."