THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Dwight Van Mann]

he_bigot agagagag

[the_bigot]

"Dave Cameron meets with HM The Queen. Dave asked her, ""Your Majesty, how do you run Buckingham Palace so efficiently? Is there any advice you can give to me now that my government is falling to pieces?"" ""Well,"" said the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Dave frowned, and asked, ""But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of tea. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to prove their intelligence by answering a simple riddle."" She pushed a button on her intercom. ""Please find Nigel Farage and send him here, would you?"" After a little while Nigel walked into the room and said, ""Yes, Your Majesty?"" The Queen smiled and said, ""Answer me this please Nigel, your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" Without pausing for a moment, Nigel replied, ""That would be me."" ""Yes! Very good,"" said the Queen. When Dave went home that evening, he called George, his number 2, and asked him the same question. ""George, answer this for me..'Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" ""I'm not sure,"" said George ""Let me get back to you on that one...."" He went to his advisors and asked every one, but nobody could give him an answer. Finally, he ran into Donald Trump in a restaurant one evening. George said to him, ""Donald, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"" Donald answered back immediately, ""That's easy, it's me!"" George smiled, and said, Hey thanks, Don!"" Then, he went back to speak with Dave. ""Hey, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle and do you know what? It's Donald Trump!"" Dave got up, walked over to George, and angrily yelled at him, ""No, you fool, can't you answer even the simplest questions?' 'It's Nigel Farage."

[ted fenton]

I seriously regret employing this old black fella to take calls at my DVD rental shop. There's Skittles everywhere.

[Queens Fish Bar]

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides!

[Helmut Shown]

"A financial advisor is giving his girlfriend a golden shower when she screws up her face. He says to her ""have you got pee pee eye"""

[Cor Blimey]

Paul Daniels aint got out of that box yet

[simon.s]

"I went to the doctors yesterday, told him I felt like a small island off of Italy. He said ""Don't be Sicily""."

[Mirkwood]

Cant believe we havent had a Paul Daniels yet

[claret on my shirt]

Why do black people always have nightmares? Because the last time one had a dream he got shot. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You don't know! You weren't there!! What do my daughter and a harp have in common? They both make beautiful noise when fingered properly. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face. What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? It only takes one nail to hang the oil painting. How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe your cock on her teddy bear.

[Cc]

"Mick Hucknall has been arrested. He was caught having sex with a rabbit. Police sources have said he was holding back the ears, whilst singing bunny's too tight to mention"

[riosleftsock]

"The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory."

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIWd6PHZTBI&feature=share

[Denver Hammer]

"Bloke escapes from a psychiatric hospital, goes into a launderette and rapes all the women in there and is still on the run. Headline in the paper ""nut, screws washers and bolts""."

[Haz]

"This boy says to his Mum, ""How come you're white and I'm black?"" The mother replies, ""Don't even go there! The way that party was going you're lucky you don't bark. . . """

[VirginiaHam]

"A man goes to the doctors and says ""Doctor, I've got a strawberry on my head"". The Doctor says ""hold on, I've got some cream for that""."

[madeeasy]

"A man goes to the doctors and says ""everytime I masturbate I shout 'come on you spurs' "" Doctor replied ""don't worry most wankers do"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Never adopt a stupid dwarf 'cos it ain''t big and it ain't clever

[Wanstead-BML]

Midget Psychic escapes from prison. Police have confirmed this by stating that there is a small medium at large.

[Eindhoven Hammer]

Everyone on the Blackburn away thread!

[riosleftsock]

This has gone a bit quiet - can't think why....

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman notices that her dog has an ear infection so she goes to the vets.He says that the dog has ingrowing hairs that are irritating him and suggest she get a hair removal cream from the chemist and rub it into his ears. The chemists asks ""Is it for your legs?"" ""No"" she says...""Is it for your arms?"" ""No"" she says...""What's it for then?"" She says ""It's for my Schnauzer"" "" OK"" says the chemist ""but don't ride your bike for two weeks """

[Coffee]

"A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, ""Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!""ù She responds: ""He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.""ù"

[ted fenton]

Fucked Up Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJzwAswDzns

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88nWsOHdnbI

[longford]

Ok the punch line is the ZIKO virus .... im trying to think up a gag to go with it !! theres one somewhere