THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[BigDad]

"An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired to work construction. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy ""You're in charge of shoveling."" He points to the Scotsman and tells him ""You're in charge of sweeping."" and then he turns to the Chinese guy and says ""You're in charge of supplies."" The foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says ""Now, I have to leave for a bit, when I get back I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand."" A few hours later when the foreman returns, he finds that the pile has not been touched. Pointing to the pile of sand the foreman says to the Italian, ""Why didn't you shovel any of it?"" He protests, ""I gotta no shovel. You tella the Chinese guy he inna charge of a supplies but he-a disappeara and I no finda him!"" Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and yells, ""Didn't I tell you to sweep up that sand?"" The Scotsman replies in heavy brogue, ""Aye, ye did laddie, but I couldna get meself a broom. Ya left the Chinee in charge o' the supplies, but I couldna find him?"" So now the foreman is incredibly furious and he storms off towards the pile of sand in search of the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the sand and yells, ""SUPPLIES!"""

[The Joker]

"Also a bit like the two dyslexics driving down the motorway. One turns to the other and says ""hey - can you smell petrol?"" The other replies, ""don't be a cսnt. I can't even spell my own name."""

[Haz]

"chim chim cha boo 8:26 Thu May 5 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ha! That's a bit like the one where the nurse is chasing the patient with a bowl of boiling water. Meanwhile the doctor is saying, 'No, no nurse, I said prick his boil.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home from work and says to his missus ""Do you want to play a game?"" ""OK"" she says..""What do I have to do?"" He says ""It's called the Wheelbarrow position- take all you clothes off and lay on the floor,face down"" When she's in place he says ""I'm going to lift up your legs, put them under my arms and off we go"" ""Alright"" she says ""but don't go past me Mum's house"""

[lab]

"Unemployed paddy gets a job with the forestry commission .he's sent off into the woods and told to cut down trees , reporting back to the office at the end of the shift . At the end of the day paddy enters the office , he's beetroot red and sweating buckets . Boss asks him how's he done .?paddy says he's cut down 4 trees. The boss isn't happy , explaining that his men cut down around 8 trees a day . Paddy pleads for another chance . The next day he reports to the boss at the end of the shift . The boss asks how has he done . Paddy , dripping with sweat , looking shattered says he's managed 5 trees . The boss loses it and again explains he should be felling 8 trees. The boss takes a look at the chain saw , pulls the cord brmmm brmmm and roars into action .. Paddy jumps out of his skin and shouts . . . For fucks sake . . What's that noise ?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms. raspberry,banana,etc. says to wife ,lets play a game.ill put one on and you guess what flavour it is. she agrees. she goes under the blanket and says cheese and onion . he says ,for f*ck sake give me a chance to put one on."

[ray winstone]

"A Pikey girl is about to get married and her mum says, ""Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"" the daughter replies, ""shut up ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?"""

[joe blob]

"Young couple out for an evening walk . Girl says: ""I'm just gonna go behind this bush for a pee"". Bloke sneaks round the other side of the bush and shoves his hand up her crutch. He recoils and says: ""Here, have you changed your sex?"" She says: ""No I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit."""

[plankton]

"chim chim cha boo 8:26 Thu May 5 Very good, Chim!"

[chim chim cha boo]

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

[WHOicidal Maniac]

https://www.facebook.com/westhamsocial/videos/890642701062062/

[chim chim cha boo]

I just went to buy an icecream. The bloke said 'hundreds and thousands'? I said 'let's start with just the one and see how I get on'.

[claret upstart]

What's green and taller than Ronnie Corbett? His lawn.

[BigDad]

"A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. ""DIG!"" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. ""DIG!"" Booms the voice again. The man thinks ""Might as well"" and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts ""OPEN!"" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again ""CASINO!"" The guy now believes he's being divinely guided, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout ""ROULETTE!"" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. ""16 BLACK!"" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. ""FUCK!"" shouts the voice..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

ALBINO !! You can't say fairer than that

[Too Much Too Young]

"BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike! Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Friday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, ""Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, ""I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."" Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit package."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just bought a new Sat nav. It's a U2 model...the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Four old guys are walking down a street in London... They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'OAPs Bar - ALL drinks 10p.' They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ""Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?""Here's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, ""That'll be 10p each, please."" The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ""That's 40p, please."" They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, ""How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"" ""I'm a retired tailor,"" the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, and beer it's all the same."" ""Wow! That's some story!"" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ""What's up with them?"" The bartender says, they're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window advertising ""Special today- Fanny licking frog"". She thinks ""That's handy, the old man hasn't been very attentive lately"" She walks in and the pet shop fella says ""Bonjour, Madame!!"""

[lab]

"Bloke has his first day in jail and is taking a shower . Within seconds a huge queer is standing behind him and says . . You're gonna get it , do you want spit or no spit ? He replies . . I guess with spit it'll hurt less . Queer fella shouts . . Oi spit , get in here , he wants a threesome."

[joyo]

Ronnie Corbett has overdosed on viagra...... He's a little stiff now!

[the coming of gary]

"i also had four scrabble tiles, playing a west ham forward M.N.E.K."

[bell]

Very good zico

[zico]

I was playing scrabble with Midge Ure the other day. He left me with 4 tiles. They meant nothing to me O V N R

[Mr Polite]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face