THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[backpass]

I was going to give up flashing but I think I will stick it out for another year

[the_bigot]

"I hear they're making a film about the Vaz affair. A washing machine salesman called Jim offers a Romanian woman $1,000,000 dollars if he can sleep with her husband for one night. It's called Indesit Proposal"

[Bromley Reject]

I've decided to stop eating partridge and start eating pheasant. Absolute game-changer

[Blossom]

"Masai GrahamImage copyrightDAVE A one-liner about organ donation has been named funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Masai Graham won with the gag: ""My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."" The festival's best jokes were selected by a panel of 10 judges before being put to 2,000 people, who voted for their favourite. Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyon have previously won the competition, run by TV channel Dave. Follow BBC coverage of the Edinburgh festivals. Graham, from West Bromwich, claimed the victory after making kthe shortlist in both 2014 and 2015. He said ""It's an incredible honour to land Joke of the Fringe. Not bad for someone from West Brom!"" Comedian Stuart Mitchell came second in the poll, with the joke: ""Why is it old people say 'there's no place like home', yet when you put them in one..."" The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe ""My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"" - Masai Graham ""Why is it old people say ""there's no place like home"", yet when you put them in one""¶"" - Stuart Mitchell ""I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10"" - Mark Watson ""Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit"" - Mark Smith ""I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer""¶ came second"" - Will Duggan ""Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated"" - Tiff Stevenson ""I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"" - Gary Delaney ""Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor"" - Adele Cliff ""Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?"" - Annie McGrath ""Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask"" - Jordan Brookes ""Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first"" - Michelle Wolf ""I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound"" - Roger Swift ""Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer"" - Arthur Smith ""I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses"" - Zoe Lyons ""Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word"" - Phil Nicol"

[ray winstone]

"Essex Police are on the look out for a cross-eyed burglar. They have stated, ""If you see him peering in your front window, please warn the people next door""."

[Mad Dog]

For me it's always hard talking to a pretty woman. Then she'll notice it and it will go soft again

[Far East Hammer]

Such a disgrace! I left two Tottenham tickets on my dashboard and some lowlife has smashed my window and left 2 more. ....

[Aalborg Hammer]

"They are now selling Olympic condoms, in Gold, Silver & Bronze. Husband says ""ì ""I have to have the Gold one""ù Wife says ""ì ""It would be nice if you let someone else come first for a change""ù"

[mtchammer]

"I've just been watching the Women's Beach Volleyball and there's been a terrible wrist injury... It's alright, I should be all healed up by the weekend!"

[ted fenton]

1/69 people are Immature HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 69

[Grumpster]

Watched Mirkwood's link and the following then popped up. Always amuses me watching fat people get hurt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZUeLaWZs8k

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old lady lying in bed in a care home was asked by a kind, caring man passing her room whilst on a visit to his mother there, ....""have you been bed ridden since coming into the care home?"".......""well yes, a few times"" she said, ""but I prefer to take it up the back while holding onto my walking frame."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Polishing mirrors-now that's a job I could see myself doing...

[The_Phantom]

"Haz 2:55 Fri Jul 29 I visited a German prostitute about 20 years ago. After sex I went to leave, forgetting I hadn't paid and she shouted ""Hey, What about the marks?"" And I said ""Oh cracking, 10 out of 10 love"""

[Haz]

"I saw this in the Personal ads yesterday - Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more. . ."

[Haz]

"My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1 and 10 Last night, after we tried anal she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far."

[Mirkwood]

Cracked me up sorry .... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfsgEF-rQgU

[Dwight Van Mann]

Peter Griffin Lama https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVXkEYZU7OQ

[Too Much Too Young]

jihadist gets run over by ex-girlfriend https://gfycat.com/FaroffCraftyHare

[Mirkwood]

Best thread on here. Made me laugh today thanks :)

[ted fenton]

"A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I had one of those sage and onion enemas at the weekend-it really knocked the stuffing out of me.

[Mad Dog]

Got thrown out of the cloning exam for copying the kid next to me

[ray winstone]

"Choosing a wife. A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits."

[Cor Blimey]

Went for a Beaver Curry last night. It's like a normal curry... just a little otter!