THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[lab]

"A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby, look at his willy,says the man, it's massive. Yes dear , says wife, but at least he's got your eyes."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back. Fella at the party says ""What have you come as?"" ""A tortoise"" says the bloke ""Who's that on your back then?"" ""That's Michele"""

[penners28]

"I'm sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit.... Still, it's my own fault for marrying her."

[Kearley]

.........shit.

[Trevor B]

"No, that would be the turn of THIS century."

[Kearley]

"The turn of the last century makes them around 16-17 years old. Worth fuck all, I reckon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One should not take the English language for granted. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ""Ooh!"" said the presenter, ""This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"" ""Sticks?"" Paddy said."

[ted fenton]

Obviously Corgi registered !!!!

[The Stoat]

"I attended a court case the other day and a bloke was being tried for shagging dogs. The Judge was astounded when the crime sheet was read out and bellowed ""How low can you get?"" ........ to which the bloke exclaimed ""about a Chihuahua your honour"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this beautiful young Hippo,dressed up in a polka dot dress and matching bow, goes to the jungle disco one night and meets a very suave Rhinoceros in a white dinner jacket and black bow tie. They dance until the wee small hours and end up in her clearing making mad passionate love. When he wakes up with her in his arms ,she's crying. He says ""What's up ,darling? Didn't you enjoy last night ?"" ""Oh of course I did but I feel so used,I don't even know your name"" ""It's Neil"" Immediately she cheers up and he asks why. ""Well,when I go down the watering hole later,I can tell the girls I spent the night with Rhino Neil"" *dons tin hat*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""Do you really talk?"" he asks the dog. ""Yes,"" the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, ""So, tell me your story."" The Labrador looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years"". ""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals"". ""Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. ""Ten quid,"" the owner says. ""£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"" ""Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."""

[Mirkwood]

Lab that was superb.....lol

[lab]

I hired a lady from E Europe to clean the house . It took her two hours to do the hoovering . Turns out she was a slovac .

[ted fenton]

:-)

[penners28]

Im well pissed off. just burnt my Hawaiian pizza in the oven! should have put it in on aloha temperature....

[JonWHUFC]

"Bloke comes down stairs and says to his missus ""You gotta look at the turd I just laid"" and she say ""I don't want to thanks, your disgusting"" and he says ""But you gotta see it, it is massive"" and she says ""Your sick, I don't want to"" and he says ""Go on, I am telling you it is a two pounder, two who pounds, I promise you"" and she says ""FFS, o.k. o.k. I will take a look"". She goes upstairs and looks in the loo and shouts down ""There is nothing in the toilet"" and he says ""No, look on the scales""."

[jfk]

"Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics, if it is successful he'll write one about Kent."

[ted fenton]

"I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: ""I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,"" I said. ""You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"" She said, ""Stansted."" ""Blimey,"" I thought, ""he seemed absolutely fine last week."" RIP Stan."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot?? He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard

[The Joker]

Ag Ted!

[ted fenton]

"Nazi officer: ""Sir, we are mining too many resources"" Hitler rubs chin. Officer: ""Should we mine fewer?"" Hitler: ""Should we what?"""

[Bungo]

"Rumours are that West Ham and Chelsea firms agreed to meet a mile away from the match last night, unfortunately this was still in the stadium."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes to nightschool to learn magic and join the Magic Circle. One night ,he gets back home and the wife is standing in the kitchen with their two kids. ""What did you do tonight,Frank?"" says the missus ""I learned how to change people into furniture"" ""Go on then,change me and the two kids into a three piece suite"" He waves his magic wand ,mutters a spell ,there's a flash and a bang and a three piece suite is there in the kitchen. ""Very good,now change us back"" says the settee. No matter how hard he tries,he can't reverse the spell and calls 999 and the ambulance as a last resort. He paces up and down outside the casualty department worried sick and after two hours ,the doctor emerges ""How's my family,Doctor?"" ""They're comfortable"""

[Mirkwood]

Pete Burns has only just died and our local hospital has already named a unit after him !!!

[ted fenton]

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""