THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"There is a fat bastard watching TV and he sees a commercial for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So, thinking what the hell, he signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost his 10 pounds. After this success he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the doo. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a massive erection, and a sign around his neck that says, ""If I catch you, you're mine!"" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34...."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: ""we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.""ù The Scotsman says: ""I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.""ù The Irishman says: ""I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.""ù The Welshman says: ""I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.""ù The Englishman says: ""I'd like to be shot first.""ù"

[Mad Dog]

this is true. fucking autocorrect. (will edit it)

[Dwight Van Mann]

It's Moonpig you cսnt

[Mad Dog]

got a birthday card from moonpig today. but she doesn't really like me calling her that

[The Stoat]

A young Arab asks his father. What is this weird hat we wear? It's a chechia in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! And what is this clothing we wear? It's a djbellah in the desert it is very hot and it protects our body! And what are these ugly shoes we have on our feet? These are babouches which keep us from burning our feet in the desert! Tell me papa? Yes my son? Why the f**k are we wearing them in Birmingham?

[boleyn8420]

Went for a coffe the other day and the barista threw milk all over me. How dairy

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke calls the whorehouse asking for a kinky girl to visit.When she knocks on his door, he answers dressed like a trawlerman,Sou'wester hat,oilskin cape and wellies holding an umbrella. He gives her a pair of cymbals and says ""Follow me"" They go into the bathroom and he says ""I'm going to stand in the shower and I want you to switch the light on and off and smash the cymbals together"" After 20 minutes of this ,she says ""Aren't you going to fuck me, then??"" ""What,in this weather???"""

[stoneman]

Women's rugby.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q.What's the similarity between and marriage and a hurricane? A. At the start of it, there's lots of blowing and banging , at the end of it ,you lose your house."

[ted fenton]

This is weird. annagram of west ham united is = The new stadium

[penners28]

This is the JOKE thread people. Just thought i'd post a reminder

[ted fenton]

"Apparently the world Gullible isn't in the English dictionary. Ha - that's rubbish, I looked and it's there!"

[Willtell]

"The West Ham fan's feeling unwell so instead of asking 'Will it work? Will there be any side effects?' No, it's 'Will I be able to drink with these?'"

[Willtell]

"That's terrible Aalborg. Try this one.... A drunk man was staggering home with a bottle of whiskey in his back pocket. He slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. ""Please God,"" he thought. ""Let it be blood!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's this huge woman standing at the bar in a nightclub and she has a tee shirt with 'Maneater' on the front...a bloke goes up to her and says ""It's about your tee shirt, love"" ""What, because it looks like I've eaten a man 'cos I'm so big??"" ""No"" says the bloke ""You don't spell 'Manatee' like that"""

[The_Phantom]

"Heres a really old (literally) one I found...and sorry its a bit long... Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. ""Friends,Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to Conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."" The crowd are up on their feet ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"". In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says ""Caesar doesn't half talk some s***e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."" six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. ""Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls"". The crowd is up on their feet again. ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"". Brutus once again turns to his mate ""I'm sick of his bulls**t. I'm off to France to check this out."" So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome,just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, ""Friends, Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out!"" The crowd is up on their feet. ""Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"" Brutus jumps up and shouts, ""Caesar, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!"" The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says...................... ""Brutus, you are forgetting one thing............. Away Gauls count double in Europe."""

[penners28]

what kind of drugs do ducks like? quack cocaine

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Stoat...reminds me of the bloke who goes into a Glaswegian bakery and says ""Is that a doughnut in the window or a meringue?"" The woman says ""No, you're perfectly correct ,it's a doughnut"""

[ted fenton]

"I decided to go to the local mosque in Bradford to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: ""By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad ""ì you will walk today""ù. I told him I wasn't paralysed but I did have a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: ""By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad ""ì you will walk today""ù. Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. After prayers, I stepped outside. And bugger me ............... MY CAR WAS GONE!!!"

[The Stoat]

"I went into a Scottish bakery, earlier. 'How much is that cake?' I asked the baker. 'A poond' And how much is that one? 'A poond' And that one? 'A poond' 'In fact, all ma cakes are a poond', he said. 'Ach, apart from that one' 'Its two poonds' Why's that then? 'That's Madeira cake..'"

[claret50]

"Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse,' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

[Ridikzappa]

I don't know Saul.

[Saul Bollox]

"What is 14"" long with a purple head?"

[strong dreams]

"Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" She says tearfully, ""I'm going to commit suicide!!"" While he didn't want to appear ""sensitive,"" George also didn't want to miss this ""be-a-legend"" opportunity either so he asked . . . ""Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, ""Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"" ""My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."" It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed."