THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

I hate it when I get skin on my rice pudding. But that's Psoriasis for you.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time

[the_bigot]

What's got six eyes and yet still can't see? Three blind mice

[ted fenton]

Aalborg I told my dad that in the 70's and he didn't know what a Harris was !!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a girl who's had an operation on her piles?? A. Anita Harris

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why did they make the 50 pence piece 7 sided ? So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Scotsman's hand

[Willtell]

"Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake,"" she whispered. Hush, my love,"" he said. ""Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."" She was insistent. ""Jake,"" she said in her tired voice. "" I have something I must confess to you."" ""There's nothing to confess,"" replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."" ""No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."" ""I know,"" he replied. ""That's why I poisoned you."""

[Any Old Iron]

kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 That's the best joke of the lot.

[Willtell]

"A negro boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, ""Look Mama, I'm a white boy!""ù His mother smacks him and says, ""Go tell your Daddy what you just said!""ù The boy finds his father and says, ""Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!""ù His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, ""Now, what do you have to say for yourself?""ù The boy replies, ""I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate all you black people!""ù"

[ted fenton]

"The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. ""What happened?"" she asked anxiously. ""What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"" ""Calm down, calm down!"" said his mother-in-law. ""There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."" A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, ""I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."""

[Willtell]

kenyahammer Right mate. The girlfriend is exactly like the guys mother and the father hates her.... ...because she's like the mother. Oh FMOB I can't be arsed!

[Alex G]

"kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 I got it no problem. Kind of felt like a joke from the 70s, but understood it no problem."

[claret50]

"kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 Nothing left out mate, it's all there."

[kenyahammer]

"Willtell, no problem with your earlier jokes but that last one the 6.58 offering, did you leave part of it out or unfinished if not I cant see the joke, I feel like the punchline is missing perhaps?"

[Willtell]

"Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a mate asked, ""Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"" Fred replied, ""Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never likes them."" His mate thinks for a moment and says, ""I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl that's just like your mother."" A few months later they meet again and his friend says, ""Did you find the perfect girl?"" Yes I did he says. ""Did your mother like her?"" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, ""Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."" The friend said, ""Then what's the problem?"" Fred replied, ""My father hates her."""

[Willtell]

"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha!"" he says, ""I'm the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume, ""I'm the gay bus driver!"""

[Nagel]

At least the Irishman wasn't a poof like the other two.

[Willtell]

"An American, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The American wished to be back home. Poof! He was back home. The Scotsman wished to be at home with his family. Poof! He was back home with his family. The Irishman said, ""Awwww, I wish my friends were here."""

[joe royal]

"There I was just sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ""Well, whatcha gonna do about it?""ù he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears. ""Oh, come on, man,""ù the biker says, ""I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.""ù ""This is the worst day of my life,""ù I say. ""I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.""ù ""So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[boleyn8420]

Storm Doris is causing some problems. I am sure that after this Doris Day we will be relieved when its over and we will all be Gladys Knight

[Willtell]

"Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about ""the good days,"" when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, ""Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, ""Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, ""Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, ""Honey, where are you going?"" Grandpa replied, ""To get my teeth!"""

[Willtell]

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.

[DocMarten]

"The missus reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it. Funnily enough, I have a similar system."

[DocMarten]

"A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill.The doctor checks him over and says, ""I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.""ùSo he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news.Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins ¬£50.Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins ¬£350.Then he gets the full house and wins ¬£1000.Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning ¬£400,000!The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,""Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!""ù""Lucky?""ù the bloke screams, ""Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.""ù""Fuck me,""ù says the bingo caller, ""You've won the raffle as well!""ù"

[frank marker]

Twat should have ordered the first one again. ;-)