THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes home and gives his wife a mink coat She puts it on and is standing in front of the mirror and says ""What do you think?"" ""Your knickers are coming down"" ""No,they're not!!"" ""The f*cking coat's going back then!"""

[ted fenton]

"Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club. The secretary says ""We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks. "" Furious, Bolt replies ""do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"" ""Oh, sorry, "" replies the Secretary. ""In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! """

[claret on my shirt]

Ireland's worst air disaster happened last night when a small 4 seater aircraft crashed into a Cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have so far recovered 984 bodies but they expect that number to climb as they continue to dig through the night!

[10thofMay]

"Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There was a bloke paying his didgeridoo in town the other day. He was playing Dancing Queen,I thought that was Aboriginal"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a pub and says ""I'd like a pint glass with 2 inches of best bitter in the bottom,topped up with tap water"" ""That's an unusual drink"" says the landlord ""Yes,It's something you've got to have when you've got what I've got"" says the bloke ""What's that then?"" ""Twenty pence"""

[Alex G]

"Three guys are walking through a forest when they stumble upon a magic lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up."""

[Mirkwood]

WHSmith joke made me lol

[riosleftsock]

Just drove through Tower Hamlets and thought how nice to see so many local women out in this fine weather on such a lovely day. Then I realised its black bin day.

[JonWHUFC]

Jimmy Krankie I meant

[JonWHUFC]

Does anyone else think she looks a dead ringer for Jimmy Crankie

[Aalborg Hammer]

I'm told that there's a new golf shot called the Nicola Sturgeon - it's a nasty little four-footer

[MikeHammer]

"Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : "" You get out and check - you were driving."" The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "" You were driving, go and tell the farmer,"" says Nicola, ""ùI can't afford to be blamed for anything.""ù The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "" My God, what happened to you ?"" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "" When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."" "" What on earth did you say?"" asks Nicola. "" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."""

[joyo]

"Went into an Islamic bookshop yesterday and asked if they had a copy of ""Great Britain 's policy on deportation of immigrants"" The gentleman behind the counter said""fuck off and don't come back"" I replied ""Yes that's the one,how much?"""

[Saul Bollox]

"What do a West Indian lady with an unwanted pregnancy, and a person who wants to succeed have in common. They both need de temination"

[Briano]

Bloke goes into W.H.Smiths and says 'have you got that new book about penis enlargement?' Girl behind the counter says 'I don't think it's in yet' Fellow replies 'that's the one'

[ted fenton]

"Not really a joke but so very true !!!!! A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying! The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists! The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun? ""Because"" said the trooper; ""When we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack""!!"

[Saul Bollox]

"The listed building facade of St Pancras is being turned into a registry office for people who want to be married above their station. Why did the pervert cross the road? To fuck the chicken. What do you get if you take out an Irishman's brain and cover it with sugar? Sweet fuck all. My wife said if I don't give up fishing she'll leave me. I will miss her. What's the difference between a spurs fan and a bucket of shit? The bucket. An Irish jew's son said to his dad: ""You will be proud of me Dad, I saved two quid by running home behind the bus. His Dad gave him a slap and said: ""Why didn't you save a tenner and run home behind a taxi."""

[Coffee]

"Wayne was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Wayne tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne. 'What's in the bag?' asked the old man. Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade...'"

[JonWHUFC]

"Man walks into a cafe and sees a sign that says Ham Rolls 10p, Cheese Rolls 20p, Wanks 50p. He rings the bell and this stunning blonde comes out from the back, long legs, voluptuous body, huge breasts and drop dead gorgeous big red lips. He says to her ""hello treacle, are you the one who does the wanks?""ù to which she replies with a saucy wink ""Yes honey, that's me""ù so he says ""Good, go and wash your hands coz I want two cheese rolls""ù"

[Coffee]

"Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. ""Kenny,"" he says. ""And what is your question, Kenny?"" she asks. ""I have three questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?""ù Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, ""Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?""ù A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. ""Johnny,"" he says. ""What is your question, Johnny?"" she asks. ""I have five questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? ""Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 21 minutes early? ""And, fifth -- where's Kenny?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Paddy was asked if he preferred breasts or legs - he said he liked shaved fannies best but was told that wasn't an option when ordering a KFC Bargain Bucket

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Rogets Thesaurus reigns/ rules/ governs,OK"

[penners28]

"The first rule of thesaurus club: You don't talk, articulate, chat, discuss, mention or vocalise about thesaurus club."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"fella went on a cruise and the boat sank...he was washed up on a desert island surrounded by packing cases and the general flotsam a shipwreck creates. He finds a tiny blonde woman lying in the shallows,barely alive. He gets her out of the sea and brings her round using kiss of life etc. He builds a fire and gets her warm and dry - over the firelight,he realises that she's Kylie Minogue ! He's nurses her back to health with fish he's caught along with vegetables and fruit he's foraged. they fall in love and spend every moment laughing ,swimming and making love. One day she says "" I love you so much,you've saved my life and I'd do anything for you"" So he gets an old suitcase and gets a pile of small mens clothes out...""Would you dress up in these for me?"" She thinks it strange but does it anyway and is standing there with shirt,trousers ,jacket and hat on. ""Now,I want you to walk around the island anti clockwise "" She sets off and once she's out of sight,he sets off clockwise. A couple of hours later .they meet. ""Mate !!"" he shouts...""You'll never believe who I'm shagging!"