THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

Trevor B 11:42 I was trying to see your point of view Trev but I couldn't get my head that far up my arse... I reckon my jokes about Swiss are some of the better jokes on here...

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: ""Have you been drinking Sir?"" ""Why?"" asks the man, ""Was I driving badly?"" ""No"" replies the Officer, ""You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"""

[Trevor B]

"Pee Wee 5:13 Wed May 3 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) If ever a thread needed renaming C'mon mods, do your duty......"

[Willtell]

Q: Why does Swiss's penis have a hole in it? A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.

[Willtell]

"Swiss. 5:04 Wed May 3 ""Oh dear Willtell. Total melt down. Stalking me around on threads now. You're going all Aaron Lennon on me."" If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I'd fart....."

[Willtell]

"Reply Swiss. 4:35 Tue Apr 25 ""Willtell To be honest mugging you off constantly is getting a bit boring no."" Clearly you mugging me off isn't that boring is it?"

[Pee Wee]

If ever a thread needed renaming

[Trevor B]

"Eight on the spin? Fucking hell, that's desperate!"

[Swiss.]

Oh dear Willtell. Total melt down. Stalking me around on threads now. You're going all Aaron Lennon on me. I'd rest up a bit old man. Not good for the old ticker. Or check put those marrows in your allotment.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat for her birthday-500 hamster skins went into it. I took her to Thorpe Park for the day and couldn't get her off the big wheel

[Aalborg Hammer]

They've discovered there's an Irish Mafia...they found two blokes with their heads tied together and shot through the hands

[Too Much Too Young]

"Teacher at school of hammerettes. Ok Beyonce, use a sentence with the word contagious? Bey "" Mr Billic has only been given 30 million to build a good squad and my dad said it would take the contagious."

[Sniper]

Ray That actually made me chuckle

[ray winstone]

Fucking hell.....

[Willtell]

"An Englishman, Irishman and Swiss come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. The Englishman goes first and yells ""Gold!"" and lands in gold. The Irishman goes next and screams ""Silver!"" so he lands in silver. Swiss looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out ""OH SH*T!"""

[Willtell]

If Swiss fell into the English Channel that would be unfortunate. If someone rescued him that would be a calamity...

[Willtell]

How often did you reckon you mug me off Swiss?

[Willtell]

"Swiss was in a restaurant with his girlfriend when, all of a sudden, he got down on one knee. ""Oh Swiss""ù she cried. ""I can't believe this is happening!""ù ""Shut the fuck up,""ù he said, peering over the table. ""My wife's just walked in.""ù"

[Willtell]

"Reporter: ""Excuse me, may I interview you?"" Man: ""Yes!"" Reporter: ""Name?"" Man: ""Swiss."" Reporter: ""Sex?"" Man: ""Three to five times a week."" Reporter: ""No no! I mean male or female?"" Man: ""Yes, male, female..."" Reporter: ""Holy cow!"" Man: ""Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."" Reporter: ""But isn't that hostile?"" Man: ""Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."" Reporter: ""Oh dear!"" Man: ""No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."""

[Willtell]

What's the best thing about the Swiss? Absolutely nothing except their flag is a big plus....

[Willtell]

"Swiss: Shall we try a new position tonight darling? Wife: Sure. You go stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch watching West Ham while drinking beer and farting...."

[Willtell]

Since when did you become a judge? Stick to clock watching and making Hammer & Pickle sound intelligent...

[Swiss.]

Aalborg - that made me chuckle Willtell - Stick to your Brexit posts. Much funnier.

[Willtell]

"An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: ""Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the bombs'. I love you, too, Ahmed"" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. ""Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."""

[Willtell]

"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open."""