THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret on my shirt]

"I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. ""I want to live forever,"" I said. ""Sorry,"" said the fairy, ""I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."" ""Fine,"" I said, ""I want to die when Spurs win the league then."" ""You crafty c--t"" said the fairy"

[Willtell]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Willtell]

"Mum, why is my backpack so heavy? Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar."

[ted fenton]

"A midget asks the librarian,""Do you have any books on midget discrimination?"" The librarian replies,""Top shelf."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"If you don't know what Armageddon means,it's not the end of the world"

[Mirkwood]

"Sorry, somebody sent me it when I was pissed. Seemed funny at the time."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Corduroy pillows making headlines ,I see"

[SilverSurfer]

"Mirkwood your a cսnt, wake up ya no mark."

[claret on my shirt]

Really not funny Mirkwood

[Briano]

Mirkwood - to be funny you need to have wit. You are a Div

[Mirkwood]

"My heart goes out to everyone at the Ariana Grande concert in Manchester last night. Can't imagine what they must have been through. To top it all off, they had to deal with an explosion."

[cheeses cruyf]

"A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriageway. The Police have said that there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs."

[JonWHUFC]

"Not saying South Africans are racist but there were two new cellmates chatting in a Durban prison. One was white and the other one was black. The black fella says to the white bloke ""how long you in for and what have you done"". The white bloke says ""I raped a girl and got caught banged to rights. The judge gave me two years and said if the girl had been white I would have got longer. You?"". The black fella says ""I got caught riding my bike with no lights on and got six months. The judge said it would have been longer if it had been at night"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Morris the jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. ""You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A van backed up to my shop, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewellery and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the van pulled away."" The desk sergeant said, ""Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"" ""What's the difference?"" asked Morris. ""Well,"" said the sergeant, ""an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."" ""Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears,"" said the jeweller. ....""He had a balaclava on his head."""

[wurzel]

Haha classic Ted.

[ted fenton]

wurzel 12:30 Sat May 13 Beer Can Sandwich :-)

[wurzel]

Riveting ...what a Jamaican calls a river

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's a cannibal.He went on holiday and came back with only one arm. I said ""What happened to you?"" He said ""I went self catering"""

[Far East Hammer]

"Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, ""Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"". I replied, ""Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, ""What she really said was: 666136429."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy's wife is about to give birth, so he rushes her to the hospital. When they arrive the midwife asks Paddy how dilated she is. Paddy replies ""Oh Jaysus, we're both over the fukcing moon...."""

[riosleftsock]

"Big Phil has been great entertainment for decades. I love the bloke. If you can get hold of the standard tonight, they had some cracking stuff (some of his best lines) as well as a lovely piece by AN Wilson about him. The only thing worth reading in that rag."

[ted fenton]

"'Sorry to hear you're standing down, sir.' 'Well I can't stand up much longer!' Prince Philip, 95, seals his retirement in typically humorous style as he prepares to end 70 years of royal duties !!!! Hahaha love the bloke :-)"

[ted fenton]

Mad Dog 7:48 Thu May 4 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Keep the bickering off this thread. Jokes only

[Mad Dog]

Keep the bickering off this thread. Jokes only

[Trevor B]

"Yep, you've lost the plot old boy. EIGHT posts in a row aimed at one poster? Think about that for a moment. No need to reply, just have a think."