THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"A man walking down the street spots a sign outside a house that reads ""Talking Dog for Sale.""ù Intrigued, he knocks, meets the dog owner agrees to ask the dog some questions to test his speech. ""So what have you done with your life?""ù he asks the dog. ""I've led a very full life,""ù says the dog. ""I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in the Iraq war and won medals for bravery. And now I spend my days reading books to the residents of a retirement home.""ù The man is flabbergasted and asks the dog's owner, ""Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?""ù The owner says, ""Because he's a fcuking liar! He never did any of that!""ù"

[cheeses cruyf]

"I passed a Romanian beggar in the street today. He said, ""Any change?"" I told him. No, I'm still working my arse off earning a crust to make ends meet, whilst you, are still sitting in your own piss scrounging."

[Willtell]

"A teacher asks her class, ""If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ""None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"" The teacher replies, ""The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."" Then, Little Johnny says ""I have a question for you Miss. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied ""Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"" To which LittleJohnny replied, ""The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."""

[claret on my shirt]

"Why CanÔøΩt Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely....? Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash. Last night I left the bedroom window open and a mosquito bit my wrist, which swelled up three times it's normal size. Tonight I'm leaving my cock hanging out my pyjamas. Son says too dad,i'm gay.Dad says too other son,what about you?Son says i'm gay to.Dad says ain't there anybody in this fuckin family that likes fanny?..Daughter says...I do!!"

[Mirkwood]

That snail joke is bloody funny...lol

[ray winstone]

"Couple a Thai birds asked me to sleep with them, said it'd be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls!"

[ted fenton]

"THE TAXMAN COMETH At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi... 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"

[Mad Dog]

"Interviewer ""describe yourself in 3 words Me ""lazy"""

[Far East Hammer]

The reason I like Facebook is because the ladies like being followed. Unlike little miss fucking restraining order down the street...

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It was New Years' eve and a bloke was watching telly..there was a knock at the door.When he answered it,there was a snail which said ""Happy New Year!!"" He kicked the snail as hard as he could down the garden...the Next New years eve and the bloke gets another knock at the door and it's the same snail.The snail says ""What did you do that for??"""

[claret on my shirt]

"The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'"

[The Stoat]

I was at the Job Centre and asked about a vacancy at a factory where they make moisturiser. They told me to apply daily

[Willtell]

"A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' ""My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A farmer goes to market every Thursday ...he's a creature of habit so he normally has a few beers,visits the market and then to the cinema as it was OAP day so he got in cheap. This particular week,he went to the pub as usual but then saw a fine cockerel for sale in the market at a bargain price. He was then in a dilemma how to go to the cinema with this great big rooster. He stuffed it down his coat and got in. The girl sitting next to him turns to her boyfriend says ""The bloke next to me has got his cock out"" The boyfriend says ""So have I"" ""I know"" she says ""but yours ain't eating my popcorn"""

[ray winstone]

"I mentioned to a girl at work that her painted eyebrows looked weird, she looked surprised...."

[lab]

Ag !that's good.

[Willtell]

"As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ""I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."" ""In that case,"" said the patient, ""I'll come back when you're sober."""

[lab]

"Well if we're doing sick ones . . . . .little boy shagging his sister, he says ere you're a better shag than mum , she says I know dad already told me ."

[les marteaux]

How do you know when Mum's having a period? Dad's cock tastes different.

[Willtell]

"Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, ""It's the chemist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."" Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, ""Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of 10p's against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the 10p's - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back into a showcase of perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"""

[claret on my shirt]

"Got pulled over by the police..Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"" Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Bright eye's"" That's when I got tasered."

[claret on my shirt]

"The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet. ""Just slide your finger between the flaps"", she suggested. That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance"

[bigst]

"Completely wasted a tenner on a pay-per-view film last night. Turns out ""Katie Price- My dribbling cսnt"" was just a video of Harvey's birthday party"

[claret on my shirt]

"A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, ""I'm pregnant"" He asks, ""How did this happen my child?"" She says, ""I think it must be the second coming! The priest, shocked by this reply asks, ""What makes you think it is the second coming?"" She replies, ""Because I swallowed the first!"

[Willtell]

"At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from Australia stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb dinner for us."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."" The crowd cheered. The third speaker from East London stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."""