THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"Three nurses are working late at a hospital and notice a handsome dead guy on a gurney. The one thing they notice is that he has a Huge erection. The first nurse says ""Oooooohhh I wonder what he was doing when he died but, I can't let that go to waste..."" so she hitches her dress up and rides him. The Second nurse says the same thing ""Oooooooohhhhh can't let that go to waste..."" so she also hitches her dress up and rides him. The third nurse wanted her fun too but was having second thoughts due to her period, but after looking at him she says ""Sod it!"" and hitches her dress up and also rides him. A little while later the man stirs and suddenly gets off the bed. He starts to walk and all three nurses shouted ""We thought you were dead!"" Man replies ""I was but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I now feel great!"""

[chim chim cha boo]

Here's one from this years Fringe but I'm afraid it breaks with the tradition of this thread because it's actually funny: Me and my dad were not really close before he died. Lucky really because he trod on a landmine.

[cheeses cruyf]

Autopsy result . Bruce Forsythe . Sir Bruce died of a seizure.So it was a case of Nice to seizure to seizure nice

[Any Old Iron]

Aalborg Hammer - I think you've misunderstood the thread title.

[Aalborg Hammer]

God thought he'd piss off the White Supremacists by turning the sun black

[Willtell]

"A husband and his wife were getting in the shower when there's a knock at the door. The wife says to her husband that he can't go downstairs in his excited state so wraps a towel around herself goes to answer the door. When she opens it Bob from next door is standing there holding £50 in his hand. He says, ""QUICK! Drop the towel and I'll give you this money!"" She checks up the stairs and hears her husband showering so lets the towel fall and neighbour Bob hands her the £50 says thanks and goes. When she's getting in the shower her husband asks her who was at the door and she tells him it was the neighbour Bob. He says ""Oh great, he owes me £50. Did he return it or say anything about it?"""

[Willtell]

"The old ones are the best... An immigrant arrives in Britain and finds a lamp. He rubs it and PING the Genie taps him on the shoulder and asks him what he would like. ""I would like a big house and a garden"" PING suddenly a big house with a nice garden appears. The Genie asks him if he would like anything else. ""Yes I would like a PC flat screened, TV and a car and a washing machine dryer and fitted kitchen for the wife and toys and mobile phones for the kids"" PING suddenly all these things appear. The Genie asks him if he would like anything else ""Yes £500 a week social security for him his wife and 5 kids"" PING suddenly £500 appears in his bank account. The Genie asks if he has got one final request, ""Yes he says we would like to become British citizens."" PING all off a sudden the big house TV PC car fitted kitchen kids toys mobile phone washer dryer and £500 a week social security disappears. The Genie says ""Now that you are a British citizen you are entitled to fuck all like the rest of us."""

[Willtell]

"I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her sister but she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, ""I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to fuck me just come up and get me."" I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me and I could see her fanny oozing with desire. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing right outside the front door. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ""We doubted you but are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."" The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Willtell]

"Two BMW car salesmen were sitting at a bar. One complained to the other, ""Boy, business is shit because of Brexit. If I don't sell more BMW's this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"" Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. ""That's okay,"" the blonde replied, ""I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking BMW!"""

[Willtell]

"A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee, Chen Lee."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bar man is watching a couple are sitting in the pub having a drink ""ì suddenly the man slips under the table. The woman doesn't move ""ì after a while the bar man goes over and says to the woman you know you husband has slipped under the table. The woman replies no no no you have got that wrong my Husband has just walked into the pub."

[riosleftsock]

"Q: What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas? A: A pint of milk, a loaf of bread and 20 Marlboros please."

[Haz]

"So, I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He sad, ""Can you describe the symptoms?"" I said, ""Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."""

[Coffee]

Willtell 10:30 Sat Aug 19 The old ones are the best. I first heard that joke nearly 50 years ago!

[Willtell]

"A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: ""Look, it's not the same hat."" ""Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."" ""Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on an upturned boat in the middle of the ocean with the parrot his only companion. The magician stared at the parrot with hate and the parrot thought he'd best keep quiet so did not utter a word. This went on for a while and after a few days the parrot said: ""OK, I give up. How'd you make the fcuking ship disappear?"""

[Willtell]

"A lad had a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, ""Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo."" The next day, the lad was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, ""Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!"" The lad replied, ""I did and today I'm taking him to the cinema."""

[Dave Boozle]

Sigurdsson has only joined Everton as Rooney asked for a Gilf to service him.

[Willtell]

"Nice one Ted. A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a pint of milk, a carton of 6 eggs, orange juice, and a pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, ""You must be single."" The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, ""Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that? The drunk said, ""Cause you're uglier 'n shit."""

[ted fenton]

"I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C. I'm on the highway to Hull!"

[Willtell]

Not if she was short penners...

[penners28]

Wouldnt the w be further down on her belly rather than her chest?

[Willtell]

"A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ""H"" outlined on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the doctor. ""Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,"" she replied. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ""Y"" on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the doctor. ""Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,"" she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ""M"" on her chest. ""Do you have a boyfriend at Manchester?"" asks the doctor. ""No, but I have a girlfriend at Wolverhampton. Why do you ask?"""

[Willtell]

"An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ""There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."" Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. ""Now you must do the same,"" he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ""Second,"" the professor continued, ""you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I bought a take-away Chinese the other night - I got in the car, looked in the brown bag and there was a pair of brown eyes looking back at me - I went back into the restaurant and told him.he said ""It must be the Peeking duck!!"""

[Poplar Iron]

Knock Knock Who's there Britney... Britney who... Knock Knock Who's there Britney... Whoops I did it again...!