THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement. It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night."

[Willtell]

"A postman was getting ready to retire and it was his last day on the job. At the first house the man greeted him at the door and gave him a cigar. The mailman said thank you and went on his way. At the second house a woman gave him £10 and said she would miss him. Again he said thank you and went on his way. At the third house a beautiful blonde opened the door then pulled him up to her bedroom. They made love for a while. Afterwards she made him breakfast. As he ate he noticed a £1 coin under his coffee cup. The man asks ""This has been great and all but what is the £1 coin for?"" The woman replied ""Well last night when I told my husband about this being your last day I asked him what I should give you. He said screw him, give him a pound. But the breakfast was my idea."" source: http://www.thedirtyjoke.com/blondejokes/mailmanjoke.html"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q .What do you call a policewoman who shaves her fanny? A. C*nt stubble

[Willtell]

"A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying ""I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting as surely 150% is impossible?"" The instructor said, ""During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe..."""

[ted fenton]

"I was at a funeral yesterday and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. ""Have some respect for the dead!"" He said. ""Ok,"" I replied. ""Is that all lowercase without spaces?"" Yeah I know it's old but I like it."

[Willtell]

"As the Titanic was sinking some religious leaders were praying. The Jewish rabbi said ""Save the children"" ""Save the children?"". The baptist minister said ""ahh fuck the children"" The catholic priest asks ""do we have time?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer.

[Willtell]

"A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says ""Hey that's pretty cool where did you get that?"" The parrot replies ""Africa there's millions of them."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

The bloke who was badly mauled after gate crashed the Teddy Bears' picnic is in hospital - doctors say he's doing OK but he's not out of the woods yet.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says ""I wonder how the girls are getting on"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy is at the races at the fella next to him says ""Pssst,...Do you want the winner of the next race??"" ""No thanks, I've only got a small garden"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bought a new aftershave.It smells of breadcrumbs. I tell you want,the birds love it."

[ted fenton]

I'm going to start selling John Lennon memorabilia online. Imagine all the pay pal.

[geoffpikey]

Hahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A dwarf couple had time off from the circus to go to the maternity unit for their baby scan. The midwife asked "" what are you hoping for ? ""..."" they reply "" we don't care....as long as it fits in the cannon"

[Aalborg Hammer]

To the bastard who stole 200 cans of Red Bull from my garage: how do you sleep at night?!

[Mad Dog]

Measured myself earlier 6 feet 2 inches Should point out those are 2 separate measurements

[Swiss.]

Willtell Yeah you got me bad back man...You're a regular Cyrano De Bergerac. I bow to your cunning wit.

[Willtell]

Swiss Simple really. You don't take the mick out of me and get away with it mate....

[ray winstone]

Swiss. 3:35 Fri Sep 29 That actually made me laugh out loud. üòÇ

[Swiss.]

"Willtell You sad, senile old mong."

[Willtell]

"Swiss was standing on a pier with intentions of committing suicide. A sailor walks past and asks him whats wrong. Swiss says my life stinks and they all think I'm a joke at WHO - you just don't want to know! The sailor tells Swiss he's sailing to America and he will smuggle him on board and look after him, feed him and make sure he is OK. Swiss asks why he's being so kind and what does he want in return for all his help. The sailor replies your a good looking man and I think you know what we sailors like. Swiss grudgingly agrees to keep him happy sexually. Two weeks later the captain of the ship is doing his rounds and finds Swiss hiding in the hold of the ship. ""What are you doing in here"" the captain says. Swiss replies that one of his crew is looking after him until they arrive in America. The captain asks Swiss what he is doing for him, and Swiss replies ""He's fucking me up the arse every night."" The captain says ""he sure is, this is the Liverpool ferry""."

[Willtell]

"Swiss once tried to tell me a boomerang joke. All of a sudden he forgot what he was trying to say. I said reassuringly ""Swiss. Don't worry it will come back to you."""

[Swiss.]

Willtell lol..did you ever get over the Carry On films?

[Willtell]

"There was this stupid Swiss bloke and he was at his English lessons. His teacher (an elderly lady) told him to go to three different places and learn three different words for his homework. So Swiss went to the airport and learned all about ""takeoff"". Then he went to the zoo and saw a nice stripey animal so learned the word ""zebra"". Then he went to the hospital and saw a room full of kids in cots and so learned the word ""baby"" Next week when he went back to his English teacher she asked him what three words he had learnt. He said to his elderly teacher ""takeoff ze-bra baby"""