THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"Harvey Weinstein and a Priest die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Weinstein gets sent to Heaven and the Preist gets sent to Hell. The Priest explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Priest is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Weinstein on the way down, and they stop to chat. Priest: Sorry about the mix up. Weinstein: No problem. I'm going where I belong. Priest: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven. Weinstein: Why's that? Priest: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Weinstein: Ahhh! Sorry Priest but you're a day too late..."

[Willtell]

Nice one Ted.

[ted fenton]

"His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. ""May I ask you a question, My Lord?"" ""Go ahead, Carson ,"" said His Lordship. ""I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."" ""What word is that?"" asked His Lordship. ""Aplomb,"" My Lord. ""Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."" ""Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."" ""Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"" ""I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."" ""Also,"" continued the Earl of Grantham, ""do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"" ""I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."" ""While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."" ""I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."" ""That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."" ""Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."" ""The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."""

[riosleftsock]

My disabled girlfriend left me after I stole her wheelchair. But she'll come crawling back.

[Willtell]

Coffee 2:44 Thanks mate - my theme tune....

[Willtell]

"In Switzerland they tell ""dumb"" English Brexiter jokes. Once Swiss was telling dumb English Brexiter jokes to his Swiss boyfriend. Swiss asks him: ""How many English Brexiters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"" The other thinks for a minute, and says ""I don't know, how many?"" Swiss replies ""one"", and they both laugh and laugh and laugh....."

[Coffee]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7O91GDWGPU

[penners28]

cant you 2 take this bollox onto whomail?

[Willtell]

"Swiss was walking down the road with his headphones on when he passes a barber shop. Swiss decides he needs a haircut. So he goes into the barbers and asks for a haircut. The barber said ""If you want a haircut you`ll have to take those headphones off."" Swiss says ""I can't take these off or I`ll die. You'll have to cut around them."" The barber thinks ""what a nutter this Swiss bloke is. How can ear phones keep him alive!"" and so while standing behind him he quickly takes them off. After only 5 seconds Swiss stops breathing and falls off the barbers chair in a snotty heap. The barber picks up the headphones and listens to the message and heard ""Breath in ... breath out ... breath in ... breath out."""

[Willtell]

"You're obviously feeling a bit lonely Swiss... Swiss entered a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms for his next imaginary girlfriend. The pharmacist asks, What size? Swiss replied, I don't know. Well, take this measuring board with holes in it and go to the bathroom, look at the porn and when you get an erection, measure your dick's thickness by seeing which hole is most comfortable fit. After 10 minutes Swiss comes back and tells the pharmacist, ""I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms but how much is this beautiful measuring board""?"

[Swiss.]

"Willtell ius frantically looking through his joke book to c&p and find and replace ""A man"" with ""Swiss"". If he knows how to use it . Which is doubtful so this could take some time."

[Swiss.]

"An old man hobbles into a book shop. ""Excuse me""ù he says whilst drooling to the man behind the counter ""Can you sell me a book of the oldest jokes known to man?""ù The man behind the counter replies ""Willtell, Not you again. I sold that book to you over ten years ago and you still come in here every day asking for it. You really are a senile old fool aren't you?""ù Willtell replies ""Yes I suppose I am""¶hehe""ù .Chuckling to himself"

[Far East Hammer]

"In hindsight i should of put my Facebook status as ""Blew the gasket on on my Ford"" Rather than ""I just fucked a 15 year old escort "" Police have confiscated my laptop ,and the Mrs has gone back to her mothers."

[ted fenton]

"My boss phoned me today. He said, ""Is everything okay at the office?"" I said, ""Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."" ""Can you do me a favour?"" he asked. I said, ""Of course, what is it?"" He said, ""Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The asteroid which is set to miss Earth by 26,000 miles has been christened 'Emil Heskey' by NASA"

[Willtell]

"A beautiful blond lady went to the dry cleaners with her white blouse and gave it to the young man behind the counter. The young man gave her special attention writing out the slip and took down all her details. He was trying to work out how to ask her for a date but the blond walked to the door so he said ""Come again!"" The blond turned around at the door and said ""No! Its mustard."""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

If God didn't intend us to eat animals then why did he make them out of food?

[Willtell]

"Q. What's the difference between a nine- months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him."

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 3:03 Tue Oct 10 Very witty ;-)

[Willtell]

"Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes school."

[ted fenton]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday. He had a Wigan address.

[SecondOpinion]

DAD would have been funnier in that last joke.........or maybe not?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This young student asks a gorgeous girl out.He knows he's punching way above his weight so he draws all his money out ,blows his budget and takes her to a posh restaurant. She orders all the expensive dishes and the best wines. He says ""Does your Mum feed you this well?"" She says ""No, but my Mum isn't expecting me to suck her cock later"""

[Willtell]

Excellent one Ted.

[Coffee]

Ha!!