THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

Go on then Trevor explain what's so funny please?

[Trevor B]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 Very good mate ;-)

[Willtell]

madeeasy 1:52 I'm glad you asked as I'm still trying to work out why that mtchammer post is on the joke thread!!!!

[Queens Fish Bar]

"This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some error during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. ""Bloody hell!"" he moaned, ""This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"" ""Of course you will,"" one of the doctors soothed, ""It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."""

[madeeasy]

mtchammer what the fuck is that meant to be?

[mtchammer]

"I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band. I have a Czech one too, I have a Czech one too, I have a Czech one too."

[Bungo]

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[Queens Fish Bar]

CAPITAL LETTERS The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[cheeses cruyf]

"Just heard that doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse"

[ted fenton]

"Jamie Oliver came into my garden centre today. ""Thugs have destroyed my lettuces,"" he said. ""That's disgusting. Have you called the police?"" I asked. ""No, I was just thinking of putting thum thug pellets down."""

[cheeses cruyf]

"They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen"

[Willtell]

Excellent!

[Mirkwood]

"One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her suggestively. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself when the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. ""Why are you stopping darling?"" she whispered. He whispered back, ""I found the remote!"""

[claret upstart]

Had a knock on the door last night and when I opened it there was a group of lads there. They sang some songs and then elbowed me in the face. Turned out they were Andy Carollers.

[Helmut Shown]

Why would you not want to celebrate Shrove Tuesday with any member of the current West Ham team? They're all useless tossers

[The Stoat]

"A bloke walked into Waterstones and asked the assitant ""Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"" The girl said, ""I don't think it's in yet"" He said, ""Yeah, that's the one.ÔøΩ"

[The Stoat]

Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places? Stirling Moss Eddie Irvine Lewis Hamilton Ayr Town Centre.

[Rio or Anton or Les]

"Nothing on the ""Joke thread"" for a while?? Watch this space tomorrow morning, apparently there will be a joke."

[ted fenton]

"I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: ""I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,"" I said. ""You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"" She said, ""Stansted."" ""Blimey,"" I thought, ""he seemed absolutely fine last week."" RIP Stan."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm The Prem initially offered them an option of 4.00pm Sunday 5th but this was rejected by LFC as they said that due to the Sunday services on West of England Trains to Lime Street, this would not allow the Loyal Travelling Red supporters time to get home and ready/fresh for ""work""ù on Monday Morning. This was wholly rejected as a defence by the Prem as blatantly false. It was only accepted when LFC retracted the statement and amended it to read ""Time to get home and ready/fresh to ""Sign On""ù on Monday Morning."

[ian.d.canio]

"West Ham vs Liverpool K.O. moved to 5.30pm Following an impassioned plea from The Spirt of Shankly Supporters association and LFC to the F.A./Premier League that the match should be rescheduled to 5.30pm to allow the loyal Reds travelling fans to be able to absorb the 2012 legacy that is the Olympic Park, its cultural benefits, the Arcelor Mittal Orbit, Parks, waterways, Caf√©'s and the fantastic work that the LDDC have achieved. In addition, extoll their Quirky Charm, Cheeky Liverpudlian Humour and ""joie de vie""ù to cheer up the Hard Working, Financially burdened, Cynical, Dour Cockney's Basically translates: The lads will have an extra couple of hour to: A)

[ted fenton]

"""Hello The Savoy Hotel, reception speaking"" ""I'd like to report a wine stain in my room"" ""Relax, the police are on their way madam"" ""I said wine stain"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Jewish Kamikaze pilot- crashed his plane in his brothers' scrapyard

[kirok1]

Side effect - all too true. Though the lovely concrete block going up at the top of Station Road is no joke.