THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[claret on my shirt]

"I've been trying to do my part this Christmas and volunteer at a soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. They don't seem very grateful though, especially when it's time for them leave at night and I hustle them out saying, ""Come on, some of us have homes to go to."""

[claret on my shirt]

"My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason..."

[claret on my shirt]

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cսnt.' I suppose she has a point. I should really make an effort to learn her mother's real name...

[Mirkwood]

Made me chuckle that one...lol

[Queens Fish Bar]

"I mer a girl at a party on Saturday. I said ""you remind me of my little toe"" She said ""what small and cute?"" I said ""No, its because I will bang you on the table when I'm pissed"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

".....and then, God created the orgasm , so women can moan even when they're happy.."

[Coffee]

Queens Fish Bar 3:56 Sun Dec 10 Ha ha ha!

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who she copped off with last night. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. ""You lying toad"" she yells ""last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"" ""No"" he says ""I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"""

[penners28]

the coming of gary 5:10 Tue Dec 5 you missed the rest of the joke off...they follow 6 people called herb and the 5 spice girls. 11 herbs and spices...

[Swiss.]

Aalborg Always a good joke.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's a Welsh sheep farmer taking his driving test. The examiner says ""Can you make a U-Turn?"" ""I'll make her eyes water ,if I go in dry"""

[the coming of gary]

"not strictly a joke , but i saw the @KFC official twitter account only follows 11 people... subtle humour ."

[Willtell]

You're welcome E12. COYI tonight...

[E12Hammer]

My first WHO parody. Thank you. Made my day that.

[Willtell]

"E12Hammer went to the hardware store and said ""I'd like to buy some nails"". The storekeeper asked ""How long do you want them?"". E12Hammer said, ""Well, I'd like to keep them really."""

[Willtell]

Why two or was that a joke too?

[E12Hammer]

"Fucking hell Willtell, who made you the laughter police. I got it, I chuckled. Job done."

[Chip Shop Charlie]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 I liked it two

[Willtell]

"Easily pleased obviously but never mind, just try a little harder next time mtc...."

[mtchammer]

What can I say? It made me laugh...

[madeeasy]

Willtell 4:24 Wed Nov 29 As with all comedy its all in the delivery...this one didn't

[Willtell]

"Check one two, check one two, check one two maybe but... It's not - I also have a Czech one two, I also have a Czech one two, I also have a Czech one two"

[madeeasy]

"sniper, i have and get it. i just don't get how that's funny or even a try at being funny. very strange"

[The_Phantom]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 made me chuckle too

[Sniper]

"I'm with Trevor - that's far from the worst one on here If you don't get it, you clearly haven't ever seen a band or anyone using a mic setting up"