THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mike Oxsaw]

"There's something quite strange about my phone. The ""3"" button's fallen off. I can't put my finger on it."

[ted fenton]

"My old Mum used to say, ""Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."" Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches."

[Son of Sam]

"I'm in the hospital! Don't panic! I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb! The doctors say I'll be out in the Spring"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"The definition of irony; Not knowing the difference between a definition, and an example."

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFkLfubDpw&feature=share

[ted fenton]

"Australian Love Poem Of course I love ya Darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.."

[Westham67]

"A woman goes home at 6 pm on Christmas Eve and her Husband is not there. She calls him, he answers and she says ""Where are you""ù he says ""Listen love do you remember before we got married we were looking for rings and we found a 15 thousand pounds Diamond ring in a jewelers shop and I said I would buy it for you one day when I had the money""ù Tears in her eyes said ""Yes I remember""ù He said ""Good I'm the pub next to that shop""ù"

[ted fenton]

"Only a person in Texas would think of this: From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ""I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."" ""I doubt it"", said the truly proud Texan. ""Tonight I'm the designated decoy."""

[Coffee]

"I rang Alcohol Concern last night to tell them I was worried I didn't have enough wine for the weekend. They're really rude, aren't they?"

[Mirkwood]

"There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night at the top of his voice, He sings, ""I want to know what love is."" Bloody Foreigner!."

[Coffee]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.

[ted fenton]

It's Burns night. That must be awkward in a certain unit of the hospital...

[bobbymoore]

1000

[ted fenton]

"Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. -----Husbands Diary: A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?"

[boleyn8420]

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye

[The Cult Of Bob]

"I tried to force feed my child... After a while my wife said ""Just use a fucking spoon, you're not a Jedi""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol

[ray winstone]

My mate asked me to pass him some lip balm but I gave him some superglue instead. He's still not talking to me.....

[ray winstone]

"The Bayeux Tapestry will spend 6 months in Wales during its loan to the UK from France. A spokesman for the National Museum of Wales said ""We haven't decided yet where we're going to display it. It'll either be Bayeux, or by there.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. ""Twenty quid"" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before ,but he decides ""What the heck,it's only twenty quid"" So they hide in the bushes.They're going ""at it"" for a couple of minutes when ,all of a sudden,a light flashes on them and it's a Garda . ""What's going on here,people?"" asks the police officer ""Paddy says ""I'm making love to my wife"" ""Oh,I'm sorry,i didn't realise"" says the policeman ""Well"" says Paddy ""Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face"""

[The Stoat]

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it. My other half went ballistic. She loved that cat......

[Aalborg Hammer]

I applied for a job at Citroen.I had to send in 2 CV's

[ted fenton]

"Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But it's hard to say"

[Mirkwood]

"Karen Carpenter sang ""Why do birds suddenly appear"" Is it because you threw your dinner out the window Karen?"

[Willtell]

Excellent Ted!