THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Far East Hammer]

"An engineer dies and goes to heaven. He is stopped by St Peter and told that heaven did not allow engineers and that he has to go to hell. The engineer goes to hell and within months they have escalators fitted, bridges across the molten lava, Jacuzzis everywhere and everybody is very happy with him. God gets to hear about this and phones Satan. ""Hey Satan ""ì I hear you have an engineer with you ""ì he's supposed to be up here with me. Satan replies that it was St Peter who refused the engineer entry and that he was a great asset to hell and that he was going to keep him. God then told Satan, ""If you don't give him over I'll sue you"". Satan replied, ""And where are you going to find a lawyer?""."

[lab]

"I once got the sack for laughing ,mind you ,I was driving a hearse at the time."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've carelessly mislaid my scapegoat. I have nobody to blame but myself

[arsene york-hunt]

"A woman sold both her breasts so that a rich woman could have a breast transplant. She is bringing out a book, which will be called The Sale of Two Titties"

[Helmut Shown]

"Not a joke but quite amusing: No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things. Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.' So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd. Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: ""Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."" NOW That's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN."

[Mirkwood]

"I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla."

[arsene york-hunt]

"A West Indian man returns from the doctor and puts on his best suit. His wife asks why he is dressing up so smartly He replies: ""De doctor say I's impotant, so i's gonna dress like an impo'tant man."

[Helmut Shown]

"A Millwall supporter walks into the doctors with a frog on his head. "",How did you get that?"" The doctor asks The frog replies: ""Well it all started with a boil on my bum!"""

[Mirkwood]

That was funny..lol

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb from our local supermarket. ""What are you doing with that?"" asked the security guard I replied ""new potatoes, peas, mint sauce and gravy would be nice"""

[joe royal]

"A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ""Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, ""Honey, please...just one more time before I die."" She says, ""Of course, Dear,"" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. ""Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."" At this point the wife sits up and says, ""Listen, I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON'T!!!"

[Exiled In Ireland]

"I went to the Doctorr as I had a pain in my elbow. Dr said "" You will have to stop masturbating"" I said "" Why"" Dr said "" Because I need to examine you""."

[Bungo]

"Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt God: Killed?! You were supposed to ""thrill""ù them! You know, take them out for a night on the town Angel of Death: But""¶but""¶ God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking, as it was starting to drag on the ground. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, Though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. ""How long will he be on crutches?"" my wife asked anxiously. ""Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"" responded the surprised doctor. ""Well,"" Said my wife coldly, ""you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married"

[Helmut Shown]

"A labourer goes to the doctor and says ""you""ve got to help me I haven't shit for two weeks"" The doctor says ""take your trouser and pants off and bend over the table, I'll examine you"" He looks up his arse and says ""I think I can see the problem, I'll just stick this instrument in your rectum"" All of a sudden there is an explosion of shit covering the doctor and his desk. ""Oh I'm so sorry doc I couldnt help it."" Says the labourer The doctor says ""thats ok, but when you're back on site please don't wipe your arse on old cement bags any more"""

[ray winstone]

"I saw Zaha in town today. I said, Can you sign my shirt? He said, Have you got a pen? I said, Shit, no. Hang on. With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry. He said, How's that going to get a pen? I said, Well that's how you Fucking do it."

[ray winstone]

"When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, ""Fucking brilliant!"" Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order. Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene............"

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.

[JonWHUFC]

It was so cold at Anfield last night that the Scousers had to put their hands in their own pockets!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not see a scouser this excited over one leg.............. since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills

[Jasnik]

Hey Ted who is this Jay bloke?

[Keep dreaming]

Here's a bad joke David Sullivan

[Keep dreaming]

Lol

[lab]

A skoda .?