THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Pee Wee]

"Richard Harrison, the old boy from the TV show Pawnstars has died. Doctors told him he should live to at least 90 but he said the best he could do is 77"

[ted fenton]

"*EMAIL WARNING* Please be aware of this latest danger. If you receive an email with an attachment that says ""NUDE PHOTO OF DIANE ABBOT"", do not under any circumstances open the bastard. It actually contains a nude photo of Diane Abbot"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An American wakes up in hospital. Doctor „ÄãYou were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. The following day........... Doctor „Äã Have you chatted with your wife? Patient „ÄãYes Doctor „ÄãWhat are you having? Patient „ÄãA fitted kitchen with granite worktops"

[mallard]

The kids just told me their school have just replaced all their desks with ones from Ikea... apparently the assembly took ages!

[Russ of the BML]

"A man walks into a Library and goes straight up to the front desk. ""Hello, I'm looking for a new book thats out but I'm afraid I don't know the author and can't remember the title but its about discrimination to midgets and dwarves"" The assistant checks and then tells the man ""Yes, it's over there on the very top shelf."""

[Mirkwood]

"I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him. I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me ""You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything"" I replied, ""Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems""? He said ""Na, I got released from prison"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Husband ""When I come home,I want you to give me a blowjob"" Wife ""Couldn't you be more romantic?"" Husband ""When I come home,I want you to give me a blowjob next to uua candle"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When they booked the Garden of Gethsemene restaurant for the Last Supper ,they asked for a table for 26 . The Waiter said ""But there's only 13 of you"" ""Yes , but we're only sitting on one side"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Wife says to husband ""If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car"". He replies ""If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the childminder"""

[Willtell]

The Stoat 3:30 Ag ag ag!

[Haz]

The Stoat Ag!

[The Stoat]

"The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with last nights performance that they have said they will personally refund all the expenses to their fans who travelled to support them. All they need to do is send their bank details, sort codes and Mothers maiden names and they will transfer the money straight to them"

[Helmut Shown]

"Stand with your hands on your hips, rotate your hips in a clockwise motion. Congratulations! You have perfected the impersonation of Mr Whippy having a shit"

[ted fenton]

What's the difference between Rowan Atkinson and Dianne Abbott? Rowan Atkinson was a good black adder.

[Willtell]

"Real Madrid are reportedly interested in signing Mauricio Pochettino from Tottenham, as the European champions look to take a break from winning trophies."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two Tunnocks caramel logs standing in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and says, how long you been a wafer?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Scientists have discovered that Dolphins are the second most intelligent species after man. So this means women are pushed down to third place.

[claret on my shirt]

"When i was getting my prostate exam today, i asked the doctor where i should put my pants....... Over there next to mine was no the answer I was expecting!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Steven Gerrard was favourite for the Rangers manager job. A Rangers spokesman said, ""We were looking for someone with previous experience at stopping Brendan Rodgers winning the league."

[Haz]

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear. . . . is he still wrong?

[The_Phantom]

"A man walks into a Library and goes straight up to the front desk. ""Hello, I'm looking for a new book thats out but I'm afraid I don't know the author and can't remember the title but its about how to have sex with someone with a small penis"" The assistant checks and then tells the man ""I'm sorry, I don't think its in yet"" ""Thats the one !"" replies the man."

[Darlo Debs]

"""G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,Cobber?"" ""I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."" ""Bummer, mate...!!!"" ""Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."" Thanks to northernhammer for this one"

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

John Cooper Clarke Genius https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-aVtKEhpO0

[AKA ERNIE]

why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall ? He wanted to see her crack

[Mirkwood]

"Finally justice has been served. So there has been this thug called Cal going around breaking into people's houses in Yorkshire for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all he was breaking into people's house's just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on 🤔 very strange if you ask me. Anyway, I've just read he's been found dead in an alleyway due to a drug overdose. It's never nice hearing of people's deaths, but look on the bright side... Washing machines live longer with Cal gone."