THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A kid comes home from school and his grandad says ""What did you do today,Lad?"" ""I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"" ""Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

Yeah! How can you suggest that there's something a Pakistani doesn't know???

[Swiss.]

Ted You racist cսnt.

[ted fenton]

"""What have you done to your leg?"" Asked my Pakistani neighbour as I limped down my garden path. ""I tripped and fell on my son's fidget spinner in the bath."" I told him. ""I'm not sure what one of those is.."" he replied. ""It's a big white tub that us English wash ourselves in."" I explained."

[Far East Hammer]

"A prisoner in Turkey goes to the prison library. He asks the prison librarian for a book. The librarian replies ""Sorry, we don't have that book. However, we do have the author"""

[collyrob]

Autocorrect is a bastard! Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river! üôàüôà! I meant the canal!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"During a lull between the course servings at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. Smiling she said, ""I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"" ""Very impressive,"" said Secretary Tillerson, ""but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.""ù ""Oh, I know"", replied Melania, ""but neither does the parrot."""

[Far East Hammer]

I don't need to use Google or Wikipedia. My missus knows everything about everything

[Coffee]

"My Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought Henry was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. My Diary: A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?"

[Coffee]

"I just said to my wife, ""Right sexy, upstairs now!"" She looked at me and said, ""OOOh, horny bastard."" I said, No seriously, the match is coming on, now fuck off!!!!"""

[boleyn8420]

I've been diagnosed as colour blind. It came totally out of the purple

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Novice nun tells Mother superior she wants to quit, and that she intends to become a prostitute. MS: No! Never! Think of your immortal soul! NN: But I'm not helping anyone here. I've no talent and no education. Jesus said we should love our neighbour. I want to help people and spread happiness. So my only option is to be a prostitute. MS Oh, a prostitute. Thank God. I thought you said Protestant."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Murphy asks Paddy ""What's your pet hate?"" Paddy says ""He doesn't like my finger up his arse"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

(nt)

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Why do the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian."

[lab]

"Patrick and Mick are nailing down floorboards , Mick is reaching into his bag for nails but about one in three he throws away. Patrick asks why he throws some nails away . Mick replies that he keeps finding upside down ones . You stupid c*** says Patrick ,those ones are for the ceiling ."

[jfk]

"I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a guy who looked like a Syrian refugee, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said, ""You are shaking, what is it? ""You'll never believe what I've just seen,"" I said, ""that cսnt next door still has my shovel."

[Willtell]

"Here's the ringtone you need ray....especially ""Oh Jeremy Corbyn,..."" https://www.zedge.net/find/Labour"

[ray winstone]

"My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said ""I've never really looked but probably light brown"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The SAS, MI6 and Thames Valley police go on a team building exercise are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. Three rabbits are released into 3 forests and each group is told to enter their forest & catch it. The SAS go in. They set up GPS at each corner of the forest ,launch stun grenades and send in three groups of men who track the rabbit down in 30 minutes and bring it out alive but shaken. MI6 sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three days of intensive investigations , MI6 conclude rabbits do not exist. After two days of questioning likely witnesses ,the police enter the forest coming out after six hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, ""OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."""

[WELL HAMMERED AGAIN]

"So I asked this Mexican bloke if they have any Jews in Mexico. He answered ""Si Amigo we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!"""

[jfk]

Haven't been this nervous about a semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain.

[Mirkwood]

"My missus texted me to say I'm ""next to fucking useless."" I'm currently consoling the chap beside me. He really hasn't taken it well."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I was once attacked by a group of mimes... ...they did unspeakable things to me.

[Gavros]

"My wife has threatened to leave me because I keep singing Oasis songs. She said ""Are you going to give it up"" I said maybe...."