THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[BRANDED]

Dave Mustaine: Megadeth frontman diagnosed with cancer

[13 Brentford Rd]

"Police stop a man on a motorbike to tell him his wife fell off the back of his bike half a mile back. Man on motorbike replies..... ""Thank fuck for that I thought I'd gone deaf"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said to me in bed last night ""If you turn the bedside light off,I'll take it up the bum""ù In hindsight,maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..."

[East Auckland Hammer]

"Man: ""What did your wife do just before she had the baby?"" Other man: ""Yelled out FUUUUUUUUUCK and a little bit of poo came out"" Man: ""I mean for work"" Other man: ""Oh, book-keeping"""

[The Libertine]

"A serial killer takes a little girl into the woods at night. The girl screams and kicks and yells that she is really scared. Serial killer says, you are scared?? What about me, I have to go back through the scary woods all alone!"

[Helmut Shown]

"A young air stewardess is on her first flight and as she is working at the back of the plane she hears ""Bing bong this is your captain speaking we are now flying at 35,000 feet and we will shortly be commencing our descent to Stanstead, I hope you are enjoying your flight with Easyjet and hope to see you again in the near future"" Unfortunately the pilot neglects to switch off the mike and his conversation with the co-pilot can be heard: ""What are you going to do when we land skip?"" The co-pilot asks. "" Well"" he replies ""first off I'm gonna have a shit then I'm gonna try to get in the new stewardess's knickers"" On hearing this the stewardess runs up the aisle and trips arse over tit on an old dear's handbag and falls flat on her face. The old girl leans over to her in the aisle and says ""its ok no need to hurry he says he's having a shit first!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Got caught speeding in Lincoln city centre yesterday. Bastards, I was only doing 30 knots!"

[David L]

5 people die after eating contaminated sandwiches at a garden centre cafe. Authorities say cause of death was wisteria.

[lab]

Unluckiest bloke in the world who bought a pack of after eights and died at seven thirty.

[joe royal]

Old one: What do you need to circumcise a whale? .....Sharp knives and four skin divers.

[eswing hammer]

"My wife keeps getting sent flowers but the stems never have any flower heads on ,this kept on so she rang the police but they just said she was being stalked!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps! So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well! However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking."

[joe royal]

"Some dyslectic racist wrote ""ògo home cone' on my neighbours front door."

[The Libertine]

"Aalborg Hammer 8:50 Thu Jun 13 HAHAHA, took me a couple of seconds before I got it. There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who dont and only half will understand the joke."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now.

[collyrob]

"Two Chinese boys break into a distillery ,one boy says to the other: ""Is this whisky?""ù Other boy replies: ""Aye but no as whisky as wobbin a bank""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says ""Have you got a tight unshaven c*nt ?"" Woman replies ""Yes, he's watching television - who shall I say is calling?"""

[Queens Fish Bar]

"I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart. ""you are a mess and I'm disgusted with you."" I said ""I'm still the woman you love and married,"" she said ""sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."" ""We're on our fucking honeymoon"" I replied."

[Mirkwood]

haha

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Yesterday was a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money and then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar."

[Ridikzappa]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother

[arsene york-hunt]

"Doctor told my wife ""You've got acute angina."" She said ""Oh... thank you very much."""

[arsene york-hunt]

#NAME?

[WELL HAMMERED AGAIN]

What do you call a judge with no balls?? Justice Cock

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, ""Four, nine."" The other man pushed him back and said, ""Sixteen, twenty-five."" A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, ""I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."""