THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ray winstone]

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

[Briano]

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

[arsene york-hunt]

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[riosleftsock]

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

[claret50]

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

[Exiled In Surrey]

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

[Exiled In Surrey]

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?

[Bungo]

Pete Doherty recently tried to connect with a younger audience by rebranding himself P-Doh with limited success.

[collyrob]

"A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?? The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone. Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query,the daughter again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: What the fuck are you doing? The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law."

[Too Much Too Young]

"The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it. ""Steady love"", i said, ""you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road""."

[Manip]

Ag

[Ridikzappa]

Just seen it's John McCririck's funeral this Friday at 5/2

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Irish fella walking around Southampton Docks and he sees a Rolls Royce parked A bloke in a suit with a bowler hat walks up . ""Is dis your car,mister??"" ""Yes"" says the suit... ""How can you afford a car like that??"" ""I work for Cunard"" ""I worked Fuckin' hard ,but I can't afford a car like that"""

[Far East Hammer]

"I just heard that Shanghai were insisting on 25 million for Arnie, whilst West Ham were trying to hold out for 20 million for Arnie + Hugill"

[mallard]

To the person who stole my glasses..... I will find you - I have contacts

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Janet Street-Porter goes into a cocktail bar and says to the barman ""Can I get a large aperitif?"" The barman says ""No,I don't think you can, love"""

[CrowleyHammer]

Ag

[Willtell]

"A man rings 999 in a panic. ""My wife is 9 months pregnant and has just started screaming!"" ""What is she saying?"" ""She is ranting about Jews!"" ""Don't worry, it only means she's gone into Labour..."""

[plankton]

"I picked a lettuce from the garden for lunch today. Made the salad, plonked it on the table and the kids asked, ""What's that, dad?"" ""That's a Russian Roulette Salad,"" I replied. ""Russian Roulette salad?"" they chorused in unison. ""Yeah - there's one slug in it. Good luck."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

[Coffee]

"HATTIE JAQUES: ""Doctor, please, I want to be wooed."" KENNETH: ""You can be as wude as you like matron."""

[Mirkwood]

"My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 cigs back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him He said, ""£385."" ""Fuck me! Where you been?"" I asked. ""Great Yarmouth,"" he replied."

[joyo]

"Why are Catholic priests called father? Because ""daddy"" would be too suspicious!"