THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[joyo]

"""you can't beat Bournemouth this time of year"""

[lab]

"It's on this thread somewhere .....a Man U supporter walks into a travel agent and asks for a few days break , the punchline has something to do with Bournemouth , can someone remind me of it ? I need to wind up a Man U supporter . Thanks."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctor's. He says ""Ive got a problem with my foot."" The doctor says : ""Put it on the table I'll have a look"" The man takes out his penis and slaps it on the table. The doctor says ""That's not a foot!"" ""I know"" says the man ""but it's a good eleven inches"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"Went to a fancy dress and met a black bloke with his knob in a bowl of custard looking rather angry. I asked him:""What have you come as?"" He said ""I's fuckin' dis custard."""

[Helmut Shown]

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

[Helmut Shown]

"I'm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon"

[arsene york-hunt]

"A squaddie walks into a pub and orders a pie. When he has eaten the pie he grabs a man, cuts off his ear and eats it. The barman calls the Military Police; one comes and arrests the squaddie. ""What's your regiment?"" the MP asks. He replies: ""I'm in the pie 'n' ear corps."""

[The Stoat]

An Policeman was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating while on duty No name has been given but he is a high wanking officer.

[Slow_Joe]

"Just started a new job as a postman and everyone is saying I'm the worst postman they have ever seen.. Shit, meant to post this somewhere else.."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments. The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he'd never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ. I told him that'll be our Monica."

[Helmut Shown]

"An Irishman starts work at a building site. He goes into the hut to get his safety equipment. The foreman gives him a pair of wellies and a safety helmet. ""Excuse me"" says the Irishman "" but why is there an ""L"" on one boot and an ""R"" on the other? "" ""It's health and safety""says the foreman ""It stands for left and right to make sure you put them on the right feet"" ""And what about the ""F"" and the ""B"" on the helmet"" says the Irishman? ""Health and safety again"" says the foreman ""so you dont put it on back to front"" ""Well that's amazing"" says Paddy ""Is that why my wife was told to get her knickers at C&A?"" * *This joke was originally told before C&A went bankrupt in Britain"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two men standing at time urinal one says to the other: ""You're Jewish aren't you?"" "" As a matter of fact I am. How did you know?"" replied the other man. ""You're circumcised and what's more you were circumcised by Dr Katz"" the first man says ""That's incredible how did you know that?"" He replies incredulously ""Well everybody knows Dr Katz is blind in one eye causing him to cut on the slant and you've just pissed in my pocket"""

[Ridikzappa]

Last time I ordered a Chinese it arrived cold

[ted fenton]

"Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October. One frightened the cat so much it ran up the Xmas tree."

[The Stoat]

"A Red Indian Chief introduced me to his wife This is my wife, her name is four horses What a beautiful name I replied, how did she get that name I asked He replied Fucking Nag Nag Nag Nag"

[Helmut Shown]

"I was coming out of an Italian restaurant the other day and one of the waiters was lying drunk in the gutter so I said to him ""Hi tiddly Eyetie""ù"

[The Stoat]

If Benny & Bjorn from Abba were replaced by Steve & Dave they would be known as ASDA

[Helmut Shown]

"An old couple go to see the doctor. He is 99 and she is 97. She says to the doctor: ""I'd like you to prescribe him some Viagra. The doctor says : ""Surely you are still not active sexually"" ""No"" she says ""i cut them into four and it stops him pissing on his slippers"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. While he is under the surgeon's knife slips and slices off one of his testicles. Aware of the consequences of a medical incompetence lawsuit the surgeon goes down to the kitchen and gets a pickled onion and sews it into the poor victim's scrotum. Six weeks later the man returns to hospital for a postoperative examination. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. "" only one"" replies the man replies ""its a strange one, every time i see a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""

[Ridikzappa]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young black bloke is walking along the shore in Jamaica and finds an old fashioned oil lamp. Rubbing the barnacles off, a big flash and a genie appears before him. ""Alright"" says the genie "" you know the score three wishes and I'm off"" ""OK"" the lad replies "" I'd like a hundred million dollars"" A big flash and there's a hundred million dollars at his feet ""I would like a big mansion on Malibu beach for.my next wish"" Another flash and he is transported to Malibu and he has the keys to the enormous mansions he is standing in front of ""And your last wish?"" Asks the genie. ""I'd like to be white and surrounded by fanny"" Another flash and he turns into a tampon"

[madeeasy]

"Just text my Boss, ""What's the difference between this morning and your daughter"" He answered ""I don't know"". I replied ""I'm not coming in this morning"""

[Manip]

"I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said ""Sixty quid"" I said""that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it"" She said ""Tight Arse!"" I said ""Oh ...go on then. swt"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Had a job interview today. I was asked ""where do you see yourself in a years time?"" I said ""How would I know, I haven't got 2020 vision."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q: What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.