THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this lizard is walking along the riverbank and he smells the sweet smell of a spliff""¶he looks up a tree and there's a baboon smoking a big fat joint. The baboon invites him up to join him. After a while the lizard gets cotton mouth and says ""I'm off to the river for a drink""ù A crocodile swims up and asks the lizard what he's doing. The lizard explains about the baboon and the excellent Lebanese black that he'd just smoked. ""A baboon with a spliff? This I have to see!!""ù The crocodile gets to the bottom of the tree and the baboon looks down at him. ""Mannnnnnnnn!! How much water did you drink!!??""ù"

[eswing hammer]

"My windscreen was all iced up this morning and l couldn't find the icescraper so l used my B&Q trade credit card ,it was hard work but l managed to get 20% off ."

[penners28]

"Apparently Schofield was about to be outed as a west ham fan, so thought it would be less embarrassing to just say he was gay...."

[Dandy Lyon]

Phillip Schofield is leaving ITV. He prefers BBC

[Mirkwood]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married."

[lab]

"Holly Willoughby :whenever I bent down to pick up a pen,he never ever said ...while yer down there luv, ..it all makes sense now."

[Mirkwood]

Waiting for the first decent Phillip Schofield joke to land...

[Nutsin]

"Englishman, Italian and a Frenchman having a beer together in a bar. The Italian says ""you know, after I finish making love to my wife I massage her back and she floats 2 inches off the bed in ecstasy."" The Frenchman says ""this is nothing masseur, After I make love to my wife I massage her feet and she floats 2 feet off the bed in ecstasy. The Englishman pipes up, ""That's nothing, after I'm done shagging my old lady I wipe my knob on her drapes and she hits the roof!"""

[Exiled In Surrey]

"Went to see the doctor and told him I was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked "" how does your wife feel about it?"" I replied ""at first she took it on the chin, but now its getting on het tits"""

[claret on my shirt]

saw this on OLAS Police are looking for three West Ham supporters who homophobically abused Brighton supporters on Saturday. A police spokesman said when caught they will be banned from watching West Ham for life so far 4900 supporters have said it was them!

[tr3bor]

Aalborg Hammer 2:28 Wed Jan 29 fantastic

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2zJ8vaB5jo&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR1Z8hv-O81QKrB6L3BDTceWti2dhQsPapTFqoqtfUIzKSyjLyPbydBLXu0 17 million Fuck offs

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Got a porn film the other day , I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock. Then I realised I hadn't switched the tv on."

[Son of Sam]

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7935375/Hilarious-moment-two-Iowa-delivery-men-trying-large-package-icy-street.html

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One bloke in the pub says ""My wife and I fuck llke rabbits every night""ù The other fella says ""You lucky bastard, I only get it once a month and I call it the Bruce Lee night""ù ""Why the fuck do you call it that?""ù ""Cos it's the night I enter the dragon""ù"

[Exiled In Surrey]

"""Drug Addicts Anonymous, how may I help?"" ""Can I speak to the cocaine counsellor?"" ""Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment.""ù"

[Dave Boozle]

"As it's Burns Night and Chinese New Year, I was going to avoid calling it Chinese Burns Night, but someone twisted my arm."

[Haz]

I've just picked up my Sister's labrador from the Ironmongers. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

[Haz]

Anal sex is like your first Spurs scarf You didn't really want it but your uncle gave it to you anyway.

[Too Much Too Young]

Ejaculate (v.) What a Yorkshire person tells Jack when he's not on time.

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctor's with chronic constipation. The doctor prescribes him Lactalose. The man says to the doctor ""That stuff's no good, you've given it to me loads of times and it doesn't work"" ""OK"" says the doctor ""I'll give you something a lot more powerful take two of them with a drink and make sure you are very close to a toilet"" The man goes away and stops off in a pub. He says to the barman ""Have you got a toilet in here?"" "" Yes "" says the barman ""just round there to the left"" He orders a pint of lager and takes the two tablets. After half an hour he's grumbling to himself about another useless remedy the doctor gave him. All of a sudden he feels a rumbling in his stomach and a very queasy feeling in his arse. He races to the toilet and wrenches open the door a backs on to the pan. A torrent of shit exudes from his arse and he feels the relief hes been craving when he hears a whimper behind him. There is a little man sitting on the toilet. He is mortified and says to the little man: ""Sorry mate I didnt see you there"" The little man replies "" I thought that was the case that's why I pulled your pants up! """

[Ridikzappa]

I enjoyed Helmut's ancient joke

[Helmut Shown]

Icwhs Yes but not many on here can remember Budgie Byrne so they wouldn't have heard it before

[icwhs]

Helmut... That was a children's joke 50 years ago?

[Helmut Shown]

"A young girl in school shouts to her teacher ""Please miss I've wet myself"" ""Why didn't you put your hand up"" the teacher asks. The girl replies ""I did miss but it ran through my fingers"""