THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My wife is so pessimistic. If there were an Olympics of pessimism, she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Every time I leave my house I am followed by a bird with long legs I think I am being Storked

[Aalborg Hammer]

What do you called an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time? A Vark

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why in Game Of Thrones do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two twins together to make a king.

[The Stoat]

"Two English tourists were driving through Wales At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?""ù The girl leaned over and said: ""Burrr""¶ gurrr""¶ King.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

*doffs cap at The Stoat* Very good Sir!!

[lab]

The Stoat ....ten out of ten .

[The Stoat]

"If anybody wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc."

[geoffpikey]

"How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb? Steven Actually my dyslexic mate Steven just told me he's got a job at NASA. Amazing! Yeah,"" he says, ""I start stocking shelves but I'll get on the tills eventually."" Actually, they've reportedly found a cure for dyslexia Music to my arse"

[Nutsin]

"Mirkwood, ag ag ag ag!"

[ted fenton]

2020 The year my bin went out more than me !!!!

[Mirkwood]

"Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, ""What's wrong with Stout?"" Bloke says, ""I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."" Barman says, ""12 pints of anything costs about the same."" Bloke replies, ""Skint's my dog."""

[Coffee]

jfk 12:35 Thu Jun 25 :-)

[jfk]

"LDLLWLLL , I thought this was a place in Wales but turns out its West Ham's form."

[mtchammer]

"Government expected to announce that as from July 4th West Ham players will be permitted to visit other teams penalty areas for short periods providing they pose no threat to the opposition. It hurts, but tbf it is funny. Tweet by well known Millwall fan, Danny Baker."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Rice Krispies - 3 white dudes having fun. Coco Pops - a single monkey with no one to talk to. Kellogs - your throat has my knee's name on it.

[Aalborg Hammer]

They say a womans work is never done. I wonder if that's why they get paid less.

[lab]

Lol x 2

[geoffpikey]

Haha. * Quack Lives Matter

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this duck goes into a pub just after opening time and orders and pie and a pint. The landlord says ""We don't get many ducks in here,are you local?""ù The duck says ""No,I've just started work on the building site over the road,new estate going in,should be here for a while""ù So,the duck appears at the same time every day and orders a pie and a pint. One hot summers afternoon,a man turns up wearing a top hat,tail coat and holding a bullwhip. ""Two pints of cold lager please-that's thirsty work""ù ""What's that then?""ùsays the landlord ""We've just put up the Big top,the circus is in town for a week or two""ù ""Circus,you say?? I have a talking duck come in here every lunchtime""ù ""A talking duck?That's unusual ""ì here's my card,get him to give me a call""ù Next day,the duck comes in ""Pie and a pint""ù ""Talking about you yesterday with the ringmaster of the circus,it's in town for a while.He seemed to think he could some work yor way""ù ""A circus ?? Trapeze acts,clowns and lion tamers??""ù ""Yes""ù ""What the fuck would a circus want with a plasterer?""ù"

[boleyn8420]

Oh and speaking of the Americans why do they call it eggplant when all of the rest of us call it chicken

[boleyn8420]

"America is having a hard time of it at the present, it's almost like its built on an old Indian burial ground or something"

[Mike Oxsaw]

You can tell the Kings Cross...

[joyo]

I can't STANMORE of these jokes and if l do I'll nut someone on the TEMPLE

[Jim C]

You can Bank on the applause!