THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"To Be 8 again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, the Death Slide, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you flaming retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong."

[claret on my shirt]

"the grim reaper came for me last night, so i beat him with a vacuum. Talk about dyson with death!"

[claret on my shirt]

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable.

[Coffee]

The_Phantom 11:37 Sun Aug 16

[The_Phantom]

ted fenton 7:19 Sun Aug 16 like that Ted

[Briano]

What's the difference between one of the seven dwarfs and a pox ridden whore? One is a cunning runt whilst the other has a ...

[ted fenton]

"A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ""Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."" Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: ""Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."" Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."" Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Dr. Young: ""Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."" Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: ""My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, ""Here's your $1000 back"" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: ""But this is only $10!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're ""Young"" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ""old Geezer"" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers"

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with big tits? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

[Coffee]

:-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate who has a stutter was telling us about his nana. By the time he was finished we were all singing hey Jude.

[joyo]

I've found an app that tracks illegal immigrants..... UBER

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke and his wife were reading the evening paper. She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog ¬£50, He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much. But he called and the woman who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty ""Only ¬£50 are you sure he is a pedigree""ù the man said ""Oh! Yes""ù said the woman ""why don't you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French""ù The dog looked at the man and said ""Why don't you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don't want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here. I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in. I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over,¬£1,000,000 of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension""ù ""Wow""ù said the man ""why do you want to get rid of this dog""ù ""Because he's Bloody liar,""ù said the woman"

[ted fenton]

"I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood. I went up to him and asked for his help. ""My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."" ""£500? Okay, what is her name?"" he asked. ""It's Ivy"", I replied. ""Ivy Bowler"". Picked a spot all to myself after that."

[The Stoat]

I just met a Chinese drug addict. He said have you seen my cocaine? I said not since he starred in Zulu

[Briano]

The CEO of Dulux was found dead on a ski resort mountain yesterday Swiss police said he could have done with another coat

[Aalborg Hammer]

"After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy drove to Brighton for a night of passion. As he pulled up at a red light, he slid his hand under her skirt above her stockings. She whispered in his ear, ""Now we are engaged, you can go further."" So Paddy drove on to Bournemouth"

[The Stoat]

I can't believe I just spent £300 on hiring a limousine and found out the fee does not include the driver! All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went out with a girl called Lyndsey Doyle, she used to smell like a cricket bat"

[Slow_Joe]

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman? Rick O'shea

[Aalborg Hammer]

It's the Lions versus the Wallabies today and I think I know what the result will be. I'll get sacked from Longleat Safari Park.

[ted fenton]

"Marcus Coutain's lawyer, Tim Rustem, said his arrest by police and knee hold ""mirrored almost identically what happened to George Floyd"". Actually it is identical. Nigger out committing crime gets caught by the police."

[Aalborg Hammer]

On TV the other night: 'The man with the 10 stone testicles.' Not sure if it's about a rare medical condition or about Jedward's dad.

[Manip]

Aalborg Hammer. Quality. swt.

[Coffee]

"*THEY are so bad, they're good."

[Coffee]

Bloody hell. That's so bad. It's good.