THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[mtchammer]

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people. That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two old ladies in a bingo hall. 1st old lady ""Did you come on the bus?"" 2nd old lady ""Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I came out of the station the other day and a busker was playing 'Dancing Queen' on a Didgeridoo....I thought ""That's aboriginal """

[Exiled In Surrey]

"3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."

[The Stoat]

My wife is leaving me because she is fed up with me talking like a news reader More on this story later

[bell]

That is supurb Noah.

[Noah]

"Ian Botham was out celebrating his elevation to the Lords at a very posh London restaurant. They ordered the food but it was taking ages despite other diners getting their food straight away. Botham complained a number of times and eventually the chef came out and said sorry, but there was a delay with the soup course and invited Botham to the kitchen to see the problem. In the kitchen, Botham sees the problem is over the turtle soup. The turtle was still alive and its head would poke out every now and then but as soon as they tried to wack it with the mallet the turtle would quickly pull his head back in. Botham said ""òleave it to me' and stuck two fingers up the turtle's arse. Its head shot right out and Botham dispatched it with the mallet. The chef was impressed asked him where he learned that trick for killing turtles. Botham said ""ònothing to do with turtles, I learned it while on tour with the England. Before dinner it was the only way to get a collar and tie on Gladstone Small.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

[ted fenton]

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors

[Mr Kenzo]

"Now that he's won a record equalling 91 Grand Prix races, Lewis Hamilton says he aims to go one better than Michael Schumacher. Not sure if he means in the downhill skiing accidents department."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said to me last night. ""If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse"". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..."

[IsaacHock]

"Dad - How was school? Son - Alright. We started reading a book where a horrible midget tries to kill a sleeping giant. Dad - Gullivers Travels? Son - No, The History of West Ham (2010 to Present)"

[joyo]

"What have the Black Eyed Peas, Manchester United and Prince Andrew got in common? All been shit since Fergie left"

[joyo]

"A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ""Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""ù ""We're taking Continental""ù was the reply. ""We got a great rate!""ù "" Continental ?"" exclaimed the hairdresser. "" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?""ù ""We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.""ù ""Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.""ù ""We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.""ù ""That's rich,"" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.""ù A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. ""It was wonderful,"" explained the woman, ""not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!""ù ""Well,"" muttered the hairdresser, ""that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.""ù ""Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..""ù ""Oh, really! What'd he say?""ù He said: ""Who fucked up your hair?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Everyone remembers the historical figure,Karl Marx. But no-one remembers his sister,Onya,who invented the starting pistol"

[Willtell]

"Covid means we now clean the house with anti-viral wipes daily. My wife did the TV screen but since then we can't get BBC News, Channel 4 news or Sky News..."

[penners28]

Played football yesterday on a shit surface! Was all rubble and compacted bricks Still...we won 5-4 on aggregate...

[Mirkwood]

"Met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, ""Where the Fuck did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth."" I said, "" There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf."""

[boleyn8420]

"Boy asks his Dad. ""Dad can you explain solar eclipse to me"" Dad replies ""No son"" It takes me 10 minutes to walk to my local pub and 35 minutes to walk home. The difference is staggering Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with Arthritis. He told reporters ""I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes"""

[claret on my shirt]

"Met a women down the pub last night who cleans her minge with floor cleaner, flash cսnt!"

[Mike Oxsaw]

The inventor of Gore-Tex has died at the age of 83. His family say there WILL be a dry eye in the house.

[Willtell]

A beginner's guide to chromosomes: XY - Male XX - Female YYY - Delilah

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have been trying to understand this LGBTQ business; but I can't get a straight answer.

[The Stoat]

"Two Policemen knocked on the door earlier. ""Evening, we just doing covid spot checks"" says one of the policemen, ""how many people you have in there??"" He asks. ""6"" I said. "" Can we come in and check?"" ""No""ù. I said ""Why not?"" ""Because that would make it 8!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q.What's 'Jargon?' A. It's what people in Dorset do to keep fit.