THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Queens Fish Bar]

"""Would you like anything on your chips?"" ""Does it cost extra?"" ""Yes, 10p"" ""Ok then I'll have 4 sausages and and a steak pie please"""

[Manip]

Brilliant. swt https://www.facebook.com/tomcho.dimitrov/videos/10159618513076661/

[The Stoat]

To pass the time on a wet lockdown day I have been making a hotel entirely out of cheese biscuits It is good but it is hardly the Ritz.

[ted fenton]

"""OLD BUT NOT BAD "" A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. > He decides to test it out on his son at supper. > > ""Where were you last night?"" > > Son says, ""I was at the library."" > > The robot slaps son. > > ""OK I was at a friend's house."" > > ""Doing what?"" asked the father. > > ""Watching a movie; Toy Story."" > > Robot slaps son. ""OK, it was porn!"" cried the son. > > Father yells, ""What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."" > > The robot slaps the father. > > The mother laughs and says ""He certainly IS your son."" > > The robot slaps the mother."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Werner Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn, when he gets pulled over by the Verkehrspolizei. ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" asks the cop. ""No"" said Heisenberg, ""but I know where I am."""

[The Stoat]

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of ROGET'S THESAURUS crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, perplexed, fazed, disconcerted, perturbed and disturbed"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No,"" he replies, ""Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" Bond explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The woman says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, ""Bloody thing's an hour fast."""

[Coffee]

From the Bumper Book of Popular Jokes in the Time of Noah's Ark.

[Noah]

"A magician on a cruise ship did his act with a talking parrot who was very intelligent but had a foul mouth. While the magician did his act the parrot would constantly shout out and spoil the trick like "" it's under his fucking hat "" or it's down his fucking arm""ù. As the audience was laughing the magician didn't mind. One night all the alarms went off and everyone on board was ordered to get in the lifeboats. The magician grabbed the parrot, covered up the cage and jumped into one of the last lifeboats, it floated away from the ship into the night. The next morning the magician uncovered the parrot who never said a word. The boat floated around for days finally the parrot spoke ""OK. you cսnt, I give up. What have you done with the fucking ship?!""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A man went to a doctor's surgery in Harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked for details. The receptionist pulled up the file and read; ""The job entails preparing the ladies for the gynaecologist."" ""You must help the women remove their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."" ""The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "" ""My God, is that where the job is?"" asked the man. She answered: ""No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just finished reading an excellent book called ""Fights on a Narrowboat"" by R.G. Bargee."

[the_bigot]

"My grand daughter is learning Spanish privately. But she still can't say please in Spanish, which I believe is poor for four."

[147man]

Diana Ross is a scouser? The things you learn on WHO

[ray winstone]

MaryMillingtonsGhost 6:21 Tue Nov 3 I've heard the Diana Ros version of that joke but still chortled.

[Dandy Lyon]

I called the ADHD helpline. They were really hel.... oh look a penny

[Queens Fish Bar]

I called the premature ejaculation helpline. They hung up before I could speak.

[Exiled In Surrey]

"I called the erectile dysfunction helpline. They were working hard, but didn't pick up."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What if you cant do a Connery accent? I can do a Bruce Forsyth though...

[riosleftsock]

"No, if you have to explain it, its not a joke. Try saying the joke in a Connery accent."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Now I consider myself to have above average intelligence but can you explain the joke below......

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I met Sean Connery once and asked if he liked herbs. He said yes, but only partially."

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, ""Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."" So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, ""If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."" Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, ""Okay."" He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."" ""I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."" Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. ""Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"" Sean replies, ""No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate was out of work for 3 months and tried to commit suicide by taking 10 Viagra pills. His wife took it hard.

[wd40]

That's what my wife use to say .

[mtchammer]

The other night I watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40... They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on!