THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Darlo Debs]

"I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper, i like to dice with death Sorry"

[Haz]

"arsene york-hunt 4:02 Sat Dec 26 Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."" Reminds me of that Stevie Wonder joke - When Stevie Wonder was asked what it was like to be born blind, he replied, ""It could have been worse, I could have been born black""."

[Dandy Lyon]

"I'm assuming the ""òusual rules' the opening post alludes to don't include ""òbe funny'"

[ted fenton]

"Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. ""Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" he replied gruffly. ""Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. ""Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply ""ì ""I outlived the bastards."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mates have got together to stage a party for Chinese New Year and Burns night. I had an invite and was going to say no. But they twisted my arm

[arsene york-hunt]

"Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."""

[Mad Dog]

Got absolutely shit faced last night Moral of the story: Never buy a cheap glass coffee table

[ted fenton]

"If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt."

[Briano]

"Janet St Porter goes into a pub and says ""òI'll have a large Aperitif ""ò Barman shakes his head and says ""òno chance'"

[Kaiser Zoso]

"Mrs ""î have you seen the dog bowl? Me ""î I didn't even know he could play cricket"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said, ""Didja redo it?"""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TINnkgnJu28

[The Stoat]

Mary whatÔøΩs two times two? Ninety four Miss Tom whatÔøΩs two times two? Tuesday Miss Sarah whatÔøΩs two times two? Four Miss Excellent Top of the class. How did you get the right answer? I took Tuesday from ninety four Miss.

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Jean-Michel Jarre got the idea for Oxygene from his sister Dora, who was always letting the cold air in."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[riosleftsock]

"I hate being bi-polar, its brilliant."

[the_bigot]

"Even my on-line Christmas shopping has gone pear shaped, I ordered four Kindles from amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD"

[bell]

Mallard Is it about an old flame?

[mallard]

I'm making a TV series about the different parts of my gas cooker. .... I've already filmed the pilot.

[Dandy Lyon]

"I am asking for you all to keep me in your prayers. We've just discovered my grandad is addicted to viagra, it's a difficult time for us all but nobody is taking it harder than my nan."

[Mad Dog]

2000 fans in london stadium will be like Jeremy beadle fingering Katie price

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to the Optician for his annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption on his face ,and asks him what he can see. ""I see empty Airports and empty Football grounds"" he says. "" I see closed theatres , closed pubs, closed Restaurants "" That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!"

[claret on my shirt]

"Just seen Danniella Westbrook get a Covid test, they were swabbing her nose with a french stick!"

[WSM Hammer]

Manip 5.41 - EXCELLENT (Aston Village)

[claret on my shirt]

"A man pulls up in his car alongside a lad in the street and says"" I'll give you ÔøΩ10 and a bag of sweets if you get in my car"" the boys says ""no"" The man tries again and says ""Ok how about ÔøΩ20 and a bag of sweets"" again the boy says ""no The man tries yet again and says ""ok how about ÔøΩ50 and a bag of sweets then"" The boys replies ""Fuck off dad i'm not going to White Heart Lane with you watch Spurs!"""