THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in their new Hollywood blockbuster The Great Composers ÔøΩI'll be BeethovenÔøΩ said Stallone. ÔøΩI'll be MozartÔøΩ added Willis. ÔøΩWhat about you, Arnie?ÔøΩ they askedÔøΩ...."

[ted fenton]

Spooky Indeed ! Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world. Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

[Jasnik]

spooky I was just talking about eating dandelions today. this is not a joke

[Jasnik]

spooky I was just talking about eating dandelions today.

[ted fenton]

"A teacher asks her students to use the word Dandelion in a sentence Leroy raises his hand and says, the cheetah is faster dandelion."

[Side of Ham]

Bloke called Dandy walks into the joke thread and ends up being the joke...... :-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q.What do you call a duck with no body,no feet and no head ? A.Bill *doffs cap at Dandy Lyon waiting to pounce*"

[Dandy Lyon]

But you said she had trouble identifying the letters H and T so why would she thinking fisting if she can't identify it? Sounds like she has trouble differentiating and mistook the H for a T. You're welcome.

[The Stoat]

SecondOpinion 1:21 Sun Jan 31 ;-)

[SecondOpinion]

@ Dandy Lyon So the note I left her about going fisTing has led to us breaking up Clear enough? If you need anymore help...

[The Stoat]

Dandy Lyon 6:27 Sat Jan 30 Is that aimed at me?

[The Stoat]

"I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week. I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, It's what he would have wanted."

[Dandy Lyon]

Wanna try that one again?

[The Stoat]

Unfortunately the girlfriend has trouble identifying the the letters T & H So the note I left her about going fishing has led to us breaking up

[Coffee]

ted fenton 12:58 Fri Jan 29 Ha ha ha!! I bet there's a few on here who can add to that list.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Met a bloke today who's been off work for so long he's developed a Scouse accent

[ted fenton]

"RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."

[Alex G]

Too Much Too Young 8:08 Thu Jan 28 That'll be the first time in history then that a Ryanair pilot has pulled off a decent landing!

[ted fenton]

Dandy Lyon 1:02 Fri Jan 29 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Jeez :-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the difference between Newcastle and Alan Shearer? Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season

[Dandy Lyon]

Jeez

[ted fenton]

"Mother took her 10 year old son to the Doctors and explained she was worried that his penis was so small, After examining the lad Doctor said the boy is quite healthy but you were right it is very very tiny. So the quickest and best way is to feed him plenty of toast at every opportunity and that is certain to increase the size. The following morning the boy comes down for breakfast and sees a mountain of toast. the lad says ""Ooh all this toast for me Mam"" She said No love the top two are for you and the rest is for your Father."

[Hammer and Pickle]

That pilot/decorator/landing classic is the real Hawker Hurricane of puns.

[Too Much Too Young]

I've had some bloke decorating the upstairs for the last 3 days. We got chatting and he's an ex Ryanair pilot on Furlough. He's now decorating to try and pay the mortgage. Sad times but to be fair he did a great job of the landing.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Do you know that the world's top scientists reckon in 2025 we'll never be more than 8 foot away from an ex-Chelsea manager